I had a abortion when I was 22. I had my first child at 21. I was a heroin addict. My son (who was 8 months old) and I lived in a small filthy apartment. My boyfriend who was my son’s father had left 4 months earlier. We were drug addicts and physically abused each other. At the time of the abortion I had pending charges. I was looking at a 90 day sentence. I was on the pill but never was very good at remembering. Although we were no longer together my son’s father and Icontinued to have sex, mostly when high. I worked crazy 16 hour shifts as a nursing aide. I had to frantically search for a babysitter every week. It was the worst possible time to be pregnant.
I went to the store to pick up a test. It was immediately positive. My ex was furious with me. I knew that if I had the baby my son would be doomed. I just barely met his needs and sometimes didn’t. When I was pregnant with my son I was so sick the first 6 months. I was on 3 different medications just for the nausea, very expensive medication. I had no insurance. I was already feeling ill. I also suffered a all-consuming postpartum depression that was so bad I would scream and scream at my baby. I had visions of jumping out my window. I had just pulled out of it. My doctor had told me a second child would be ill-advised.
I told my father and stepmother a week later. They asked me what I was going to do. I said I wanted a abortion but raising the money would take me at least a month. My stepmother took me aside the next day and handed me $400 and told me good luck. I cried with relief. I knew the hard truth was I could not stop using and just could not subject a baby to 9 months of my poison.
My ex said he would go with me to the clinic. I immediately made a appointment. The clinic was a hour away so we made arrangements to stay the weekend with my ex’s mother who lived near the clinic with our son.
The day of the procedure came and I felt really nothing. I just wanted it to be over with. I had opted for the surgical over the medical because I was in someone else’s home and didn’t really want to bleed and moan in front of my ex’s family. We went in the waiting room and were called in for the counseling part. I was by then very shaken up. I thought all those people would judge me for having one child and not having this one. The counselor gave me an extra dose of sedative after I asked. The nurse gave me a ultrasound and I asked to see. I was happy to see that my 7 week fetus just looked like a lump with no recognizable parts. That set me at ease. The procedure was very quick. The pain was minimal and the doctor was quiet but nice. I did cry and say I was sorry to everyone when I was being suctioned. I was a little out of it. After we went and got ice cream and I slept the day away.
Right away I felt better. I felt so much better knowing I didn’t have to go though 9 months of pregnancy and many more months of sleepless nights with a newborn. I had been before pro-choice but at times thought that a lot of those girls that got abortions were sluts. I felt so much different now. I felt like I understand those woman out there so much better. I was never regretful or sorry, not even once.
Post abortion: Only 4 months later I was pregnant again. By the time I found out I was 3 months along. The clinics in my state will only abort up to 12 weeks and 6 days. I was 13 weeks. The nearest clinic that did 2nd trimester abortions was 2 states away and very expensive. I could not get the funds in time. I wound up having the baby. I used drugs heavily the first 5 months then on and off the rest. While pregnant I wound up homeless with my son. By the time I had my baby I was still homeless in a shelter. And of course I became extremely depressed. I wound up very angry with my baby. I had no time for my son. I was still using. I gave my baby to my exs aunt for a while. She has had her now for 3 years. You know what’s worse then regretting a abortion? Regretting your child. I think every day I probably should of found a way to abort. I am now stuck in a custody battle. I am stuck explaining to my son why he never sees his sister. I favor my son, I think. I have totally messed up this little girl. No one deserves that. I had a baby I didn’t want, and that I felt pressured to have. I am clean now. I will never regret my abortion. But I do feel I may regret my own flesh and blood daughter.
