I knew that I was pregnant days before I even took a test. I’d been struggling to deny my symptoms: fatigue, nausea, weakness, cramping, no control over my emotions and a little voice in my head that kept saying, “Dude, you are totally pregnant…”. I took a test exactly two weeks ago, and it took all of five seconds to come up positive. I nodded to myself, not really surprised. And then I walked into my boyfriend’s room, sat on the bed and started sobbing and hyperventilating.
I was immediately flooded with feelings of guilt, sadness, fear and a weighty sense of irresponsibility. My boyfriend and I were using the rhythm method, and we definitely could have been more careful (Fun Fact- I got pregnant DURING my period. I was told that couldn’t happen…). I had an appointment to get an IUD put in later that week. I’d made the appointment three months earlier. “If they’d just gotten me into the office sooner, I wouldn’t be pregnant right now,” I thought. But then I realized the truth: I felt good having a plan in place. I’d made the IUD appointment, and it gave me a false sense of security. I wasn’t that careful, because I didn’t think I was going to get pregnant. Just didn’t think it would happen to me.
I love my boyfriend and want to have kids with him some day, but we mutually agreed that it’s not the right time. I’m 27, and nowhere near ready to be a mother. I was scared and depressed and felt like I had a ticking time bomb inside of me. But the decision to have an abortion was a quick and relatively easy one. The hardest part was waiting. I was actually hospitalized for panic attacks at one point. (Tip: I wouldn’t recommend going to a Catholic hospital and explaining that you’re panicking because you’re pregnant and planning on getting rid of it. They were pretty heartless.).
I had the procedure done at Planned Parenthood almost a week ago, and I’m feeling a million times better. I thought I was going to have to wait a few more weeks, because they didn’t know how far along I was. When the doctor told me that they could do the surgical procedure that day, it was like a ray of sunshine entered the room after a week of dark, dismal rain. It was such an enormous feeling of relief- which is how I know I made the right choice. I wanted it over as soon as possible. I hated the feeling that this thing inside me was getting a little bigger every day, and that there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted it gone. I wanted my body back.
The procedure was painful and emotionally difficult (I was awake), but it was only five minutes long. Afterward, I cried for a little while, and then basked in the relief. I’ve still been a little emotional (it takes a while for the hormones to even out), but that sense of despair I had while pregnant, the sense of helplessness, the sense that my body had been taken over… that’s all gone. And they put my IUD in right after the procedure! It’s done! I officially won’t be pregnant (unless I want to be) for five years.
I’ve always been pro-choice, but when running the “what if’s” over in my mind, I never imagined I’d get an abortion. Once again I’ve learned that you can’t predict how you’ll feel in a certain situation, you can’t know until you’re actually going through it. I didn’t think I’d ever get an abortion, but I did, and I feel good about it, and if I had to, I’d do it again. I’m not sorry.
