Today I cried. I had (am still having) a good long cry. I got in the shower and it just all came out. Speaking out loud to no one or to myself I told my story and why I was sad. I had an abortion a month ago tomorrow. I’m not sad I had the abortion. It was the right decision for me and I am perfectly comfortable with that decision.
I feel sad in the sense that I went through the whole process alone. I feel sad because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this on a daily basis who I know won’t judge me or be overly sympathetic to the point I have to calm them down so they don’t worry so much. I feel sad because the people I want to tell the most I feel I can’t because I’m afraid of how they will react and treat me afterwards. I’m sad because I’m afraid that people will tell my secret without my permission. I’m not ashamed but it’s my story to tell not theirs. I feel sad because there are still so many people in the world who don’t understand that a women’s right to choose is such an important one.
My story started 6 weeks ago. I was in a causal sexual relationship with this guy. It was fun and we were both having a good time. However it was strictly sexual, no emotions involved, or at least not on his end. 6 weeks ago I was expecting to get my period. I had taken out my nuva ring and was waiting for it to start. I’ve never been good about keeping track of my period. So after a couple days it wasn’t coming but I was starting to have a little bit of cramping so I figured it’d start any day now. After a few more days I started getting paranoid and tried to convince myself that I wasn’t pregnant. But I eventually broke down and drove to the all night grocery store at 1am and picked up a pregnancy test. I took it the next morning … + . CRAP!
I thought about it for a bit and got online and got the number of Planned Parenthood and made an appointment for a week from then. I figured get an appointment ASAP and I could change my mind in that week if I wanted to. I told the guy online and barely got a response out of him. I wanted to talk to him about it and have him help relieve my stress but nothing. I drove to the clinic by myself. I waited for 3 hours in the clinic … by myself. I spent the weekend with some friends and went home Sunday night to take the second set of pills and go through the actual abortion, can you guess what comes next … by myself. I had asked Jason to come and spend the night with me and keep me company, watch movies and such while I went through it. No answer. He had left for the weekend after I tried several times to contact him. Wonderful guy, huh?
Now that everything is over I’m thankful I made the decision. I can’t imagine my life right now with a child. I’m about to graduate college and planning on going to grad school full time for my doctorate in psychology. I can’t afford a child, I don’t have time for a child, nor do I want a child, now or probably ever. I want to be a single successful psychologist with 2 loving pit bulls and a great big yard and a pool. I’m just sad I had to do everything by myself with very little support.
