Sep 062010

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I had a baby boy four months ago. He was nine pounds of pure love. I love him more than life. After his birth, I wasn’t so lucky. I had many problems at the end of my pregnancy, and ended up having to have an emergency c-section, as well as an additional surgery.

When I had found out my birth control pill had failed me—I was devastated beyond belief. My baby is only 3 months old. Why now? Why? I can’t go through this again, but I can’t kill this baby. I felt such guilt for even thinking the “a word.” But I knew deep in my heart I could NOT keep this baby. It would be physically and emotionally dangerous. It was not the right time.

I went to the abortion clinic two towns over for the first time 1 month ago. Nothing showed up on the ultrasound—I was too early. In the meantime I had changed my mind—then changed my mind again—do I really want to live with this for the rest of my life? I went back a second time two weeks later. I was only 4 weeks. I was told that I wasn’t far enough along to have an abortion because the doctor was afraid he wouldn’t get everything.

More waiting. It was agony. But I waited. And waited. And finally found peace. I was doing this for MY FUTURE—MY FAMILY—and most importantly MY SON, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

Well today was finally the day. After a long month of waiting. I was 7 weeks today when I went. Finally far enough along to have the procedure.

I am actually glad I had all that time in between even though I had longer to deal with it. I was more emotionally ready for it today. I wasn’t sad, guilty, or ashamed like I was on previous visits. I knew I had made the best decision for myself and for my family.

My experience was wonderful. The clinic I went to was amazing. The entire staff made me feel comfortable with my decision and were very supportive.

In the waiting room, there was a journal written by previous patients about their experiences—all entries were so inspiring, and it reassured me that I WAS NOT ALONE. I wanted to cry, not out of sadness, but out of inspiration from these smart, wonderful, strong women that I soon would share a secret bond with. I plan on writing about my experience when I go back for my follow-up visit.

I was floored at the actual procedure. I was in the surgical room for maybe 3 minutes. It felt no worse than your average pelvic exam and pap smear.

The doctor and his assistant were very kind and encouraging and soothing throughout the entire procedure.

The after cramps—just like normal menstrual cramps.

Once I got to recovery, I was treated like a queen. I sat in a huge comfy leather recliner, got covered up with a blanket, a heating pad, and had a Coke and a snack as well as my post-abortion meds.

My heart was light and my mind was clear when I walked out. I had a smile on my face. All of the guilt was gone. I felt nothing but pride afterwards—proud of myself for being strong enough to make the hardest BUT BEST decision for my family.

Anyone that has ever had the courage to go through such an emotional experience or even supports others going through it is a hero to me.

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