Sep 062010

I dreaded my 25th birthday for almost a year. I knew that, for me, it would mean I would finally have to accept adulthood. I don’t know what I was dreading, I had a wonderful boyfriend, a great job and a slew of super supportive friends that were there no matter what.

Two days prior to my birthday, the most fantastic thing happened, my boyfriend asked me to be his wife. My birthday weekend was filled with friends, parties and heartfelt congratulations. I could not have been happier. Then Tuesday happened. In the rush of excitement, I had missed my period. I have been on the pill for many years but I had always kept a pregnancy test around. I found that when I was late, I could take it, not be pregnant and then get on with my life. It was with that mindset I sat down to pee on the stick. Then something terrible happened, it turned pink. My heart dropped through the floor. I burst through the door to our bedroom and began to cry. We immediately went to a pharmacy to get another test, he was so shook up that he could barely use his debit card. I went to the nearest gas station and boom, I knew it was true.

I was hysterical, howling and crying. I knew in that moment that I could not and would not have this baby. We went to bed silent. I woke up the next morning and sprang into action, I researched EVERYTHING. Pro-choice and Pro-life web sites. I wanted to know how many others had terminated their pregnancies, when the embryo could feel, what was the safest option (the pill vs. surgical). I found comfort in ingesting all of the information I could.

I couldn’t get an abortion in my city; they are not offered here. I knew of some clinics in towns 2-5 hours away. I called Planned Parenthood first, they were very nice but had such a limited schedule of when they were performed that there was no way I could fit it in. I opted instead for a private clinic that I found online. The clinic offered amenities such as twilight sedation that were not offered by the chapters of PP that I called. I made an appointment for 2 weeks in the future and then the waiting game began, and I sunk into a sadness that I had never felt. I had all kinds of questions that I felt like no one could answer for me.

On the day of my abortion I was terrified. I showed up to the clinic expecting fire and brimstone but instead what I found was a quiet doctor’s office, not a protester in sight. I was ushered back into a room with many other girls and the doctors and nurses administered a series of tests to determine how far along I was, my blood type and how my birth control had failed. The procedure was quick and slightly painful. I was 7 weeks pregnant, I knew in my heart it was a girl and I am still not sorry. I am not ashamed of my choice but I feel like I should be.

PS Thank you so much for providing this tool. I don’t think I could ever tell you how much it meant to me knowing that I was not alone.

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