For two years my birth control consisted of decoctions (very strong teas) of rosemary and penny royal. My periods are regular like clockwork so I knew when my period didn’t come that I was pregnant. My husband of then five and a half years and I were not in a very good place in our relationship, we had not been for sometime. I had moved out because we had started to become verbally and physically abusive to each other. After a few months apart we had reconciled and moved back in together.. We had solved some things but not nearly enough for a child to be brought into our relationship. The stress of a pregnancy and baby would have strained our relationship to the breaking point, at the time I was sure of it.
To put it bluntly I was very angry, livid that I had fallen pregnant, I knew right away what needed to be done about it. I did not become attached to what was growing inside me, I wanted an abortion. Being an avid student of both midwifery and herbology I knew there were certain herbs I could try, none of which worked after a few days of trying. If my mind had not been completely made up already to have an abortion the herbs I had used would have made the decision for me. Many abortificents herbs effect hormone balance, if it had gone to term something might have been seriously wrong with it because of what I had taken. My in laws forwarded us the money to pay for it, they were accepting of our decision to terminate even though they are very religious.
Going to Planned Parenthood was an interesting experience, I choose to bring one of my best friends for support, she was great at keeping the day normal so to speak. I did not bring my husband because I knew I would end up being annoyed at his constant need to reassure himself that I was indeed alright. There was a few people there in the street, trying to hand out pamphlets and such they did not move and insisted on blocking the entrance, the security guard made them move and we got in. Later I found out that the police had been called because although they had the right to be there (in the street, public property) they did not have the right to block the entrance.
My friend and I spent most our time outside (we did not want to be too boisterous, we could tell some women were having a hard time being there and keeping it together) smoking cigarettes and talking to the security guards. I choose to get the medical (pill, RU486) method, after seeing the sonogram they confirmed what I already knew, that I was 55 days pregnant. I took the first pill there then was given everything I needed and went home.
The next day my husband was busy moving our things into the apartment we had leased the previous afternoon; the only guilt I’ve ever felt about the ordeal was over not being able to help him move all of our things in since we had always done it together. I made a pallet in an out of the way corner of the apartment then after taking my pills, I threw up (a common side effect) then I jumped into a hot bath.
My husband sat in the bathroom me having break from unloading the U-Haul. When I stood up to get out the bath blood began to run down my thighs, shakily I moved to my pallet to be comfortable. Well padded with absorbent towels I sat over a tupperware to catch whatever came out. Though the cramping was very severe, I got through it without medication; I wanted to experience it all. Hours of cramping went by and then it finally stopped.
My husband and I went out to the woods to a spot that we frequently hiked a few days later. We found a place at the base of a tree near our usual rest area that suited our needs. We dug a hole and wrote letters to our unborn child who would never have a chance to grow thrive and live. Placing the letter in the small grave we said our goodbyes, held a small ceremony for closure then walked away knowing we had made the right decision.
The abortion pushed many things the were wrong with our relationship to head, brought them out in the open for us to deal with. If we had not had this experience together I know we would not have had the courage to face our problems together and begin to frank, open and honest discussions about our relationship and what we wanted and needed from each other and it. Six months later we fell pregnant and this time we felt secure with each other and our relationship to decide to keep it. My daughter is now nine weeks old and I am glad she is here, I have no regrets about my abortion and no regrets about having her. Every child should be wanted.
