Nicole’s Story

I am a 27 year old woman with a high pressure career and big goals. I was on the pill but experienced the chest pains, headaches and massive emotional fluxes and so stopped taking it. Also, my gynecologist was hesitant to give me the Meraina and on top of that I was told that I am “sub fertile”. I had a brilliant sex life with my boyfriend and while we used condoms we became pretty lax about it.

One weekend I realised that my period was late and I knew that I was pregnant. Before telling my boyfriend I bought a home pregancy kit and the 2 little lines came up almost immediately. I still wanted absolute, irrefutable confirmation and so went for blood tests the next day. Indeed I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend and as we had broken up 2 weeks prior I made it clear that this was not how I had wanted to bring children into the world. I was raised by a single mother and I know how hard it is, how much my own mother had to sacrifice for my sister and I. I wanted a financial stability and a committed relationship before having children. I saw the gynecologist the following day and found out that I was 5 weeks along. My boyfriend came with me and we discussed our options with the gynecologist. We were given the options of taking a pill to bring on a miscarriage, having surgery or a combination of the two, which the doctor recommended. We agreed to go with the third option. I was sent for some blood tests a few days later. Whilst there, the nurse asked me how far along I was and what I was hoping for. I didn’t respond but her words got to me, after I had been so matter of fact about the whole thing up until then. I cried that weekend, a lot – for the situation I had found myself in and for the strength that I needed to do this – the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even at 5 weeks my body had begun to change to accommodate my pregnancy – I really FELT pregnant.

The following week I took a Monday off work and took the pills. I started cramping 4 hours later and booked myself into hospital. I told them I was having a miscarriage (technically true and I didn’t want to have try to explain myself, I was feeling lousy as it was). 2 hours later I started bleeding. 5 hours after that I was put under general anaesthetic and the procedure was done. When I woke up I knew it done. I didn’t feel pregnant anymore and I burst into tears, this time crying for the what-ifs and what may have been. My boyfriend paid for everything and while he wasn’t there for much of the time (there were visiting hour restrictions) he came afterwards with dinner, drove me to his home (I wasn’t allowed to drive) and took care of me. I bled quite a lot and was in a small amount of pain. I took the following day off work for some “me-time”, although I knew I had done the right thing. My life was back on track. It was only then that I realised just how different my life could have been and how many of my goals I would have had to give up if I hadn’t had the abortion.

I haven’t told my family about any of this, only my closest friends and they have been incredibly supportive and understanding. My boyfriend and I are back together – he really came through for me and I appreciate it every day. Whether we will last I don’t know. I do know that I do not regret what I did. Sure, I feel sad every now and again (I only had the abortion a week and a half ago) but no regrets. I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me for feeling like this, with all the taboo and opinion around the issue of abortion I was sure that I should have been a total wreck. But I’m not. And I’m very grateful for finding this website which gives me the freedom to say so without feeling guilty.

Having an abortion is not an easy decision by any means, but I am stronger for the experience. I salute all women who come to this crossroad and who make their decision based on what they truly feel and not on how they are pressured into how they “should” feel. I made my decision, and my beliefs of having commitment and stability before bringing a child into the world are stronger than ever before.