It starts with the same tale of woe many kids my age are in right now. I had just graduated college and was living with my parents again. I had no insurance, no job and was working on finishing up my grad school applications for the next year. I had spent a year abroad so I could not finish things in time to apply for that fall. Korea is very slow with sending your transcripts by the way. I was seeing my boyfriend of five years, now fiance, as often as I could since we had been separated for so long. I was also in charge of taking care of my very sick mother during this time so I needed him to help raise my spirits when I got depressed/stressed about it.
When I found out I was pregnant, a few months after arriving back in the states, I cried for days. I have always wanted children but this could not have been a worse time for this. I am very in touch with my body because I often meditate so I caught it very early on. My first instinct was to head to a local clinic because there was no way I could afford to even carry the child to term, let alone become a parent now. My mother and her brother went through a lot of abuse in the system as foster kids and there was no way I’d let my child end up like that. My uncle never fully recovered and went on to kill some poor woman for her credit card.
I was not prepared for the abusive scene I was going to see though. Protesters (mostly men) were lined up outside in big trucks with signs. Even though my boyfriend was there holding my hand, I started shaking. Inside was different. Women were nervously laughing in the little back room and we even joked about ordering a pizza since the doctor was late. How dare he let a whole room of pregnant ladies wait past lunch time with no cookies! But I still couldn’t shake what those cruel people had screamed at me. Had they any idea how terrifying this is already? At some point during the wait a husband started a fight with one of the protesters and finally they left the premises. When I was called back the doctor could not find the embryo even through a vaginal ultra sound. (One that took forever) They said, since I still tested positive on the test that I was definitely pregnant, just too early to see yet. But in my head, I was hoping this was all some horrible mistake and the four or five tests I had taken were all wrong. A few days later I came to my senses and with the support of my love I went back to the clinic.
This time, after a lot of very uncomfortable probing, they found it. They even let me look at it because it was nothing more than a fluid sac still and looked like nothing but a tiny white dot. The doctor almost laughed at how early I had caught it. She suggested I take the medical route instead of the surgical. I was so relieved I nearly passed out. I took the first part of the medicine and waited for them to get my other pills together. In the waiting room, I met a young girl who looked more horrified then I had last time I was there. I was able to hold her hand and give her all the information I had been researching non-stop. I wanted her to know she was with friends and that she was a good person. I hope I helped her, even a little, to feel better.
The medical abortion is painful and I had not really been prepared. I am from a very Christian, right-wing community so I had to come up with a lot of excuses for why I had suddenly doubled over in pain. I did suffer from some mental illness afterwards, but I believe it to be a combination of the Christian upbringing and the situation along with my own genetic predisposition. My family has a long line of bipolar disorders, so this was my catalyst. I’m sure pregnancy and especially the adoption I’d have to do would have caused it as well. I hope and pray to never have to go through it again, but it was not as bad as I had always been taught. Now when I am ready financially and emotionally to have a family, I will be able to give them the best.
Much love, thank you for giving us this site!
