Nicky’s Story

In 1994 (15 years ago) when I was 24. It happened with my boyfriend of 6 months at the time. I was just finishing up college and we talk about it briefly and both readily decided we just felt too young and still full of juvenile energy to want to be strapped down instead of out living it up. We went and had it taken care of and I think I was about 6 or 8 weeks along. I was put under the light twilight sedation and it was not terribly painful. Afterwards I felt no regret or guilt….what I did feel was guilt that I felt no guilt….go figure. I just knew that I was too immature and selfish to be a GOOD parent, nor did I want to be a parent. I feel complete all by myself 🙂 I firmly believe that one should not become a parent until you are ready to become a GREAT parent who puts the child’s needs first. Too many neglected kids out there raising themselves without guidance. At least I recognized that in myself. Anyway, after getting engaged to him 2 years later and then breaking up another year later I am glad we had no kids…a real mentally abusive guy. I was free at 28 🙂

In 2004 (I was 34) it happened the second time with my husband (not my husband yet at this time). I met my husband in 2000 when I was 30 and he was 24 and we got married in 2008. We decided we are not kid people right now and like our laid back, stress- free, no obligations lifestyle. Our jobs allow us a lot of sleep in time and we simply like it that way. We went to the abortion clinic and had the termination done at 5 weeks. I was fine and so was he.

In 2007 it happened the third time yet again (I swore it wouldn’t but it did). Yes, obviously with my husband (well he was still my fiancé at the time). We were going to go to the abortion clinic but first I had decided to try the HERBAL natural way to induce a miscarriage. After 2 weeks of excessive overtaking of all these vitamins and herbs, nothing happened so we had scheduled an abortion for the following week. A day before my appointment I had a miscarriage at home. I was right at 10 weeks pregnant when I miscarried, but I also read that 10 weeks pregnant is a very pivotal point… in other words this is when most natural abortions occur. I can’t help but think that the herbs and vitamin C played a big role though.

In 2010 comes # 4. I know I got pregnant in the middle of December 2009. My husband and I were on a 10 day vacation and I had just finished my period 2 days into our vacation. Day 6 of our vacation I told him it was safe and he did not have to pull out. I WAS WRONG! On Jan. 21, 2010 we went to the same clinic as in 2004. This time around though the only difference is that I felt like a total idiot for letting it happen again when I was soooooo sure I was safe….. Obviously I had to (or still “have to’) learn the hard way that there is no safe time, only stupid luck- and that runs out eventually. I had my abortion 2 days ago and this was the most pain I have EVER felt. I thought the doctor had put his hand up in me and was clenching my uterus with is fist and trying to pull it out. That’s the best way I can describe the immense physical pain. All the nurse said was that as one gets older abortions hurt more??!! I guess I have to believe her.

To sum it up, I am not sorry because I am aware of my limitations, patience and financial situation. I will not bring a child into this world until I can completely, fully and freely give of myself and forsake my own wishes, wants and desires and place those of my child first. Seriously have doubts to this happening, but if and when it does, I will make one heck of an awesome mom…till then- I AM NOT SORRY.