I knew as soon as it happened that I was pregnant. I waited until the day I expected my period (I’m very regular) to take a test. As I wanted to keep it private until I knew for sure, I went to the ladies’ room at McDonald’s on a Sunday morning and sure enough, for the first time in my life, I saw a positive result on a pregnancy stick.
I’ve known for years that I do not want children – it’s just not for me. My boyfriend with whom I had been living for nearly two years was a traditional type, and although we had never discussed it in depth, I pretty much knew that he only believed in abortion for medical reasons.
I sat him down one afternoon and told him I was late. I lied and told him that I took a pregnancy test, that it was negative, and that I would be going to my gynecologist to double check things. When I mentioned that we should discuss our options, he was confused and angry. As far as he was concerned, there were no options. He made it clear that if I were pregnant and chose to have an abortion, that he would leave me. At that moment, I knew that not only would I have to have an abortion, but I would have to do it on my own and keep it a secret.
On a Saturday morning a week later, I went to a nearby clinic alone. I was saddened only by the fact that almost every other woman in the waiting area had someone with her – a parent, friend, or a man by her side, holding her hand. But more than anything, I was relieved to be there. I just wanted to get it over with. I had to get it out of me before I showed any symptoms. I was four weeks along.
The staff was incredible and very comforting and supportive. There was a sweet nurse who held my hand the whole time and explained what was happening step-by-step. I was awake for the whole procedure, except for a brief moment when my blood pressure dropped and I think I passed out. It was painful, but if I had been sedated, I would not have been able to drive myself home.
It was over and I was relieved. But I was also so angry! I had gone through the most emotionally intense situation I had ever experienced…and my boyfriend had no clue that any of this was happening to me! I just wanted some kind of support from him, in some form or another. So I told the biggest (and, quite honestly, the best) lie of my life. I told him that I had gone to the doctor and that I had, indeed, been pregnant, but had a miscarriage. I told him that because of the miscarriage, I would be bleeding heavily and would not be able to have sex for a month until my follow up. Ignorant as he was of women’s issues, he didn‘t question any of it. This lie, as big and “wrong” as it was, was necessary and killed two birds with one stone. He acknowledged that there had been a loss and comforted me the way I needed to be comforted.
This happened two years ago. I have since left this man and am happier than I have ever been. I have NEVER regretted my decision or how I had to go about doing it. It was the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever had to do (the abortion itself and all the sneakiness), but the only feel proud that I was strong enough not only to have gone though something as traumatic as this, but that I was able to do it on my own.
