Matilda’s Story

I knew something was wrong pretty early on, my breasts felt sore, like they were growing or something, and I kept getting those weird cramps, you know the ones, the ones that signify that your period is going to start within a few hours, only well, my period never came.

I suspected I was pregnant, but did not think it was possible, I take the pill regularly and only had a break about a month earlier as it was interfering with some other medications I had to be on, during that period we used a condom, once when we didn’t, I took the morning after pill.

There was still about a week till my period was due, but I bought a two-pack pregnancy test one Wednesday morning, just in case. That same day I took the test, it was negative. ‘Phew’ I thought, I knew I was not ready for a baby, I’m 21 and still deciding what I want to do in my life, I was in love with my boyfriend but his recent behavior towards me signified that he might not love me back, I was scared, but relieved, so what my period is late I thought, I’ll wait a few days it will show up.
<> Whilst waiting for my period a lot of things went wrong in my life, I found out I had sickle cell anemia, and my boyfriend finally admitted he was not ready for a serious relationship. Our breakup was hard, I was in love with him, and he told me he loved me too but he was too young for such a serious relationship. I was scared and extremely lonely.

I went to the family planning doctor that day and I did another test, it was still positive, I sat in her office crying, she hugged me and till now I feel like that was the only real comfort I got from another person during this whole experience.

She signed off for me to have an abortion, and booked an appointment for me to see another doctor in a week for another signature. After the second signature, my abortion will be booked for sometime in the near future she said, about two weeks.

I sat there and did the calculations in my head, I cannot stay pregnant for the next three weeks I thought, I had been bursting into spontaneous amounts of tears every few hours, I felt like everything was happening all at once, and being pregnant for the next three weeks was not a thought I could deal with.

I came home, switched on my laptop and began to research abortions, procedures, side effects, everything. I wanted to know all there was to know and I wanted to know now, I wanted it all to be done at that moment. If there was some sort of walk in clinic, or anywhere I could book it instantly I would have done it. The only quick options was to do it privately, that would have cost me £450 that I did not have, I felt trapped and the feeling of holding it all inside was killing me, I felt like I needed to get rid of it… Like yesterday.

This is probably where I made the bad decision, though to be honest, it worked fine for me… And I probably won’t do it differently if it happened again.

I ordered these pills called Misoprostol from an online pharmacy; I had read that they could be used alone to induce an abortion. I had read this information from at least twenty different sites; I had looked up the pros and cons…. To be honest this was all I did for four days as I waited for the pills to arrive; I wanted to know exactly how to use it, the side effects, the success rate and what to do if anything went wrong. I read it was 80% successful, but as I was only about five weeks pregnant, I figured it will be more successful for me, it was probably a very rash decision, but the way I saw it, if it didn’t work, I still had my appointment for the following week. (I was apprehensive about using the NHS service as I did not want anyone to find out, I was ashamed to be pregnant, and although all the doctors involve swear confidentiality and all that, I just felt like I could not see more people and tell them I was pregnant).

The Misoprostol finally arrived; I was going to take the pills as instructed, 800mcg put up myself in three doses twenty-four hours apart.

At about 4.30am about twelve hours after taking the first dose I was taking a bath when a bloody sac popped out of me, it was scary I was scared and could do nothing but sit and stare at it. It made me cry, I did not believe this was happening, I could not believe what I was doing, but at the same time I was relieved I had gotten away with doing it alone in the privacy of my flat.

I come from a very strict Catholic family, it is a big family where everyone talks about everyone else, seriously someone started a rumour that I was smoking about a year ago, and I still get looks everywhere I go! My family does not approve of abortions, they will have made me keep it, my life will have been halted for nine months only for my mother to raise my child for me, this scares me more than anything, I wouldn’t want my child to be brought up like I was, I did not have a good childhood.

I told my ex-boyfriend I was pregnant before the abortion, during one of his late night drunken, ‘I love you but I can’t be with you’ calls. He offered to come with me to the clinic, be there for me support me, I did not tell him I was doing it on my own…. And even if I did, I wont have wanted him there, I wont have wanted me to come hold my hand or rub my stomach during one of my extreme cramps only to get up and walk away a week later. I felt empty and abandoned as it was.

Right now, it is only been a few days since all this happened.

I still feel so lonely and empty, not because of the abortion but because of all the things that surrounded it, not being able to tell anyone, splitting up with my boyfriend etc.

But the good news is that I am not pregnant!

I do not regret this one bit and will do it again if god forbid I got pregnant in the near future. I do not think anyone should bring a child into this world unless the have the means to support them, not just financially but more importantly, emotionally.

I can barely support myself at the moment and this is why I had an abortion, someday I plan to have lots of children. But definitely not within the next few years.