I am a woman who has had an abortion. While I feel great sadness that I had to make that decision, I am not sorry. If I could go back I would do it again.
Let me start by saying that I am severely bipolar, which is where this whole mess started. As my mental illness developed and worsened in my early twenties, my life spiraled out of control. I was using drugs; not just a little grass now and then, but cocaine and heroin. I was engaging in dangerous behaviors like shoplifting, unprotected sex, and sex with strangers. The weekend before I found out I was pregnant, I smoked crack with my drug buddies.
I was in no condition to be a parent, and chances are my child would not have survived long with whatever birth defects were caused by my chronic drinking, smoking, and drug use. It would be cruel to have a child I couldn’t hope to care for, or one that would spend his or her life in pain and suffering. I made the decision to abort as soon as possible.
Since then, I have entered treatment for my illness, and am properly medicated. I have a stable job with benefits. I no longer use drugs and limit my drinking to the occasional glass of beer or wine with dinner. I have also learned that my mental illness is likely hereditary. Even though I’m clean now, I do not want to bear children because I would not wish this hell on anybody. Someday, when I’m ready, I’d like to adopt.
I wanted to share my story because there are probably a lot of other women out there with similar situations and I want them to know they’re not alone. I still grieve for the child I could have had, but I’m not sorry. It is a greater cruelty to have a child who is unwanted or impossible to care for than to abort. I’m sure God is taking better care of my baby than I could.
