My periods had been horribly inconsistent from the start (age 11), I commenced the Pill at 13 to lessen the severity of the bleeding. I was not sexually active until 18 and for the decade to come I would continue using either the Pill or depo shots for contraception and period control.
At the age of 28 I found myself in a long term relationship and had not had a depo shot for some time. Thinking myself infertile due to a combination of terrible periods and a family history of problematic menstrual cycles I was not overly concerned. Not until I started to feel off and was having trouble urinating.
I took a pregnancy test and found it to be positive. I immediately told my partner the news and said that I wanted an abortion NOW. I have disliked children since I was a child and had no plans on birthing any ever. I was never concerned with the fetus, rather my partner’s feelings and not hurting him. He seemed ambivalent but supportive. I wasn’t sure what he wanted, but I knew I didn’t want a child.
I felt indecisive and tried my hardest to think of a way to be okay with having a child in order to potentially make my partner happy should he want one. I felt more trapped in my own body than I’ve ever felt in my life. I couldn’t get this thing out of me – it was either birth or abortion. The options were both terrible (physically speaking) but birth was only going to result in the rest of my life being ruined.
I got sicker and sicker, I booked an abortion as soon as I could (the quickest was two weeks away) and everyday I hoped for a miscarriage. I punched myself in the stomach to no avail. The pregnancy made me want to die.
I ended up in the hospital three times in a week with dehydration, rapid heart rate, a bladder infection and a very severe cramping in my uterus that would not subside. On the third hospital visit, I was so relieved as I had commenced bleeding. I thought all along that a miscarriage were imminent (hoped) as the cramping was crippling me to the point of being bed ridden. The doctors had no good answers and the net suggested that some cramping was normal. Everything in me told me this was not “normal”. This felt like a precursor to miscarriage, as if my body were trying to push the parasite out.
When I arrived at the hospital I was given a vaginal ultrasound that showed the foetus still had a heartbeat. I begged the Doctor to give me an abortion asap. She gave me only a pamphlet. My partner seemed to change his demeanour on finding that the foetus had a heartbeat, as if now it were something of significance. I felt unsupported and trapped in a terrible situation.
The weeks rolled by until I could finally attend the clinic for the abortion. The few protesters outside were pathetic and made me more determined to do with my body as I saw fit. When I got inside it was a really professional team of caring people who dealt with so many women in my desperate situation. Blood test, counselling, ultrasound, anaesthetist consult and then to surgery.
I asked to be knocked out completely as I had a fear of surgical procedures. The doctors were gentle and re-assuring. They treated me with dignity and respect. My feet were not placed in the stirrups whilst conscious, rather I just had to lay with my knees bent and my gown covering me. They would take care of me, once under the general anaesthetic. I gently went off to sleep.
What felt like only moments later I awoke in a hospital bed with the curtain around me. For the first time in weeks, my abdomen was no longer cramping. I was no longer in pain! I felt like the weight of the world had come off my shoulders and was so relieved to be done with the whole mess. I only wish I didn’t have to wait but a day for it. There should be more services so that women’s suffering is not prolonged by the wait time.
I am not at all sorry. That foetus would have ruined my relationship, health and life. If I were in a circumstance where I were forced to carry it to term, I would have harmed myself in trying to force a miscarriage or quietly gotten rid of the infant upon being forced to have it. I am not and never will be someone who feels any sentiment for babies. Society is full of women similar to myself and so much harm can be avoided by offering us the option to terminate a pointless pregnancy.
Why should we be made to carry a human parasite to term? Guilt, punishment or someone else’s idea of “doing the right thing”? No good can come of forced parenthood. Some of us were never meant to procreate.
