The two children I already had were the joy of my life-and their dad’s-and I really wanted a third. The trouble was, I was chronically ill with ulcerative colitis, and during each pregnancy it escalated within my body like a rocket ship going up. I was having a tough time just caring for my family, and two pregnancies-both supposedly protected by birth control-which both ended in miscarriages had left me weak and sick. I’d work for a couple of hours, then I’d have to lie down. I spent the time reading to my toddlers.
Then I got pregnant again! At four months, I was told the baby wouldn’t be right. I could barely care for the family I had, and my oldest was showing the stress she was under, given the insecurity of having an obviously ill mom. She needed me much more than she needed an extra-needy baby brother. My husband and I agonized over the decision, but not too long: we had to take action quickly if at all. Together we decided to end my cycle of pregnancy and illness by my having an abortion plus a tubal ligation. We had prayed about it at length and entered into the decision without a lot of guilt.
Before the anesthetic was given, the surgeon talked to me to learn my real feelings. After a few minutes he said, “I think you want another baby. How about having the abortion today but not the ligation?” Then he offered an observation I’d never heard before. “Sterilization is irreversible. You’ll never have another baby. But an abortion is reversible because you can have another kid.”
Interesting. Of course you can’t bring that shuttered life back, but someone else can have a chance at life. And in my case, it would most likely be a better life than a sick mother caring for a special-needs baby could ever have. “I do want another baby,” I said. “Go ahead with the abortion, but not the tubal ligation.”
A year later, a year free of pregnancies draining the life out of me, I found myself suddenly once more pregnant. This time my body as well as the entire family was ready for it. David is the light of my life-at least one of them. He has brought so much joy to us, not to mention to his wife and children. And the point is, without that abortion, he would never have been born if that baby had lived, because after the child’s birth I would assuredly have had a tubal ligation.
No, I’m not sorry! Far from being a murderess, I am a responsible parent who loves her children and does what she needs to in order to care for them. I’m so glad!
