Sep 052010

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I had an abortion the beginning of September 2005 and I am very far from sorry.

In March of that year I had delivered a beautiful baby girl who although it was the best thing I have ever done in my life it was also the hardest as well. I found out I was pregnant with baby number two in August. My husband and I had discussed prior to this what would happen if I ever got pregnant again; I was just finding my daughter too much to handle. We knew abortion would be the only option for us. Of course the decision was easier made when you weren’t in the situation, but there I was smack dab in the middle of my very own nightmare—a 3-month-old baby and pregnant again.

I knew right away that I wasn’t meant to keep it because as soon as I saw the positive pop up I screamed and threw the test across the bathroom. I was mad, not at this alien life form growing inside me, but more at the fact that I didn’t want more and especially not 12 months apart. I remember coming out of the bathroom with tears running down my face and throwing the test on the couch for my husband to see. For him it seemed all cut and dry, it wasn’t his body, or really even his decision, and although I knew keeping this baby was not even an option. I found myself questioning whether what I wanted to do was right. I have known people who have abortions and they do them repeatedly and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but when push came to shove I knew the only viable option was right there in front of me.

The next day I made the phone calls and found a place willing to do it in 2 weeks, but they kept messing around changing my date and making it generally harder to go through with what I had to do, so I called a local hospital, who informed me I needed an ultrasound right away. Oh God just the thing I was dreading, sure it was easy to stay detached now, but what if I saw the baby and lost my nerve? I hurried in for the ultrasound, got a jerk who told me I wasn’t far enough along-4.5 weeks max-he couldn’t even see the baby and sent me on my way. The hospital asked me to go for one more ultrasound in a week to double check the gestational age, so again I toodled off wondering what was in store for me now.

I got to the place with a full bladder only to find I was actually 15 minutes early: they apparently tell you the appointment time factoring in the 15 minute waiting time so 30 minutes early in total with a full bladder. I finally got in and the lady asked me if I was excited about my second. I informed her that I was not keeping the baby and didn’t want to know anything about it. She went quiet. Five minutes later she looked at me and rambled off the heartbeats and OH MY LORD the due date too. I just sat there, then on top of all that she turned the monitor towards me and said ” THIS is your BABY, Look at the heart beating!” Of all the things I have ever encountered in my life this was by far the worst. I waited until she was done, got up and left and made it a few feet out the door. I called my best friend and just broke down. My husband found out and lodged a complaint, a very big one I am sure because I got a very considerate and apologetic phone call back letting me know they were extremely sorry for the treatment I received and asked if there was anything they could do, Well, no, there wasn’t anything: the damage was done.

After a few days of reassessing and just plain thinking I was back on track. My termination was scheduled for September 2nd, and as bad as it might sound I was looking forward to it!

September second came and with it a sense of peace. Today all the morning sickness and tiredness would just go away and I could focus on my daughter. Although I am afraid of anything to do with doctors I knew I had to do this even if I tried to back out a few times. Not once, after that second ultrasound did I ever wonder if what I was doing was right. I just knew it was right, not for someone else but right for me.

They called my name and took me back to a room where they hooked me up to a several monitors and left me there beeping. The beeping was the worst part, watching my heart rate go up and down the more I thought about the procedure ahead. I was afraid of pain not of anything else. After about 5 minutes in came this doctor, he was nice. He put the IV in my arm and we waited for the doctor. She was a nice lady too, explained the procedure to me again for the hundredth time and I was just ready to get it over with. Last thing I remember is feeling woozy, asking them if that was the stuff, and then asking if they have it in pill for me, and the next thing I remember I was being woken up and walking to the recovery room, I ate 7 cookies and had 4 glasses of apple juice and was on my way home.

When all was said and done I was not and still am not sorry for my decision, and although I will never do it again I am glad I had the option to choose. 🙂

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