Like so many women in their 30s these days, I have the beginning stages of cervical cancer and I also have hormone imbalances. During one of my treatments, I complained to my doctor that I was having cramping and long, heavy periods even though I was on birth control. She recommended that I stop the pill I was on for one month before starting a new one. I thought since I had been on birth control, and it was only for one month, that I could have unprotected sex and would be fine. It was during this time that I became pregnant.
I started feeling bad and throwing up a lot, but my doctor reassured me that was normal for the extra hormones I was taking. I started having this nagging feeling that I might be pregnant so I told my boyfriend. One night while he was at work I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was so excited I went to call him and when I came back to the bathroom to look at it again and it had turned positive! The next day at Planned Parenthood the news was confirmed: I was pregnant.
I am very much in love with my boyfriend, and one day would like to get married and have children. It was not an easy choice for us, but one that was right for our stage in life. The day I went to the clinic to have it done, I was very upset to see protesters outside the clinic. Don’t these people have anything better to do than make me feel bad on what will probably be one of the worst days of my life? When I’m driving down the road and see “Pro-life” protesters, I am so mad. What about my life? Why are they trying to hurt me and women like me? They don’t even know what it feels like to have to make that choice. Just because it was the best choice for me does not make it an easy one.
As I was on the operating table, about to be given anesthesia, the doctor announced that I had a suspected Ectopic pregnancy because he couldn’t visualize my fetus. I cried and cried, because I just wanted it to be all over and go back to “normal.” I was ordered bed rest and given a warning that if I started to feel pain, my fallopian tube was rupturing. Three days later, I had lacroscopic surgery to remove the fetus and abort the pregnancy.
Many people have told me that I’m “lucky” it was ectopic because it was “that way I didn’t have a choice.” However, I had made my choice before I found out the pregnancy was ectopic.
I never thought I would have an abortion. I was the good girl in school, have a great job and am just starting graduate school. I never told my parents because I am their little girl and didn’t want to change that. One day I might, but right now telling them would only hurt me, when I need all the support I can get. Someone told me some advice that has really helped me: be kind to myself. Don’t beat myself up over what happened or my feelings about it. They are what they are.
I’m not sorry that I had an abortion, but I see babies and can’t help but be a little sad. Just because you aren’t sorry doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt a little at the time. You just have to remember that you did what was best for you. There is nothing selfish about taking care of yourself. You should never feel guilty about making the best choice.
