It was my first one, I have never experienced fear on that level before. I was unable to sleep, experiencing tremors for the first time. Complete emotional take over of the physical state. Now, I know my fear was because I just was unaware of what was going to happen. It was the simple fear of the unknown.
I had to surrender to it, but I had no idea what was going to happen to me, and all I could find from other women were horror stories. I read stories online and saw a lot of pressure from some sites to “keep the baby” anyway. I knew it wasn’t the right thing for me, and I could feel it in my gut. Luckily, I feel I am a warrior, and will do what I know is right for me, no matter who is up in my face. The guy involved, became increasingly unstable, in ways I couldn’t have predicted. I finally reached out to family because I knew I couldn’t
So I went home and a lot of stuff happened, that I probably don’t need to write. My family is pretty much pro life. They wanted me to keep it. But I knew they would.
I started experiencing complications, blood clots, which extended the time I had to carry it, and I also couldn’t walk, suddenly. The pain from the leg clots was incredibly unbearable. Sleep was not an option.
I felt the guy involved in this was being pretty selfish and kind of nuts. (I won’t get into those details completely but my father had to step in at one point)
The emotion of feeling that little being inside of me, and knowing I had to just let it go, was near unbearable. But I also knew these emotions were “romantic” ideas and emotions, for me to imagine keeping it at this point in my life. And then, from the stress of the arguments I was having with him, it detached from my uterine wall, but only half way, so it was still alive. So I had to feel it, with all my sensitivities, trying to live, but dying for about two months. I knew this happened because I had energetically communicated to it, that I was not ready to have it. And it listened. The blood thinners I needed for the clots could have put me in too much danger, so I had to sit with the clots through all of that time too. I lost everything of my body, physical strength, and life. Finally, I went in to get the procedure, and he didn’t show up.
I had to go in alone. And in the cold room, with strangers, I told the doctors that they were my shaman, and that this was my ceremony. If it had to be this way, that they would be my medicine people.
I was put under. Drugged out for days. Finally took the thinners, and could walk after a month of not being able to. It was amazing to use my legs again.
I could feel the sudden absence of that little thing.
My recent period was a nightmare. It was like the blood and extreme (extreme) pain wanted to remind me that a death did in fact occur, and I need to remember and learn the experience of it. I am someone who practices Native American spirituality. I feel this was an initiation into a deeper realm into myself. It reminds me of different fear/pain rituals from tribal times. It was just a modern era walking of some old old medicine for me. This is not meant to frighten anyone; it’s my true experience of it. My entire perspective has changed. Before, I was very addicted to men, and finding the perfect partner. I am way more realistic, now, and grateful for it. Not jaded, but a heck of a lot more interested in loving myself and taking care of myself. That is huge. It was a necessary shift for me, and I am happy this happened.
I feel stronger, and more able to stand behind the choices I know are right for me, even in the face of protestors at the clinic. I did actually have the strength in me! -and how could I have known how deep my strength is, without this trial.
Much divine love to any woman finding out this part of herself. It is a part of the feminine journey.
