I am 29. I had never been pregnant before. I had been on the pill for 12 years when my boyfriend at the time convinced me that it might be the cause for some of the problems I had been having – bad cramps and incredibly sore breasts. As soon as I went off the pill, these problems did indeed go away. And I have super light periods, which is a nice bonus. For a while, my boyfriend and I were using protection, but sometimes we didn’t. Due to the light periods and the fact that I never got pregnant, I assumed that my body just hadn’t adjusted to being off the pill and when my periods got heavier I’d have to be more careful.
Fast-forward 11 months after I went off the pill. I had been abroad for nine months and my boyfriend Adam had cheated on me, so we had “broken up.” Unfortunately, the sex is great and the temptation too much. I started sleeping with him, and since my periods were still light, used no protection. I did worry about it at one point in July, but I took the morning after pill and got my period on time. In August, I saw a different ex-boyfriend, he ended up more or less forcing himself on me without protection, although I told him I was off the pill, then followed by sex with Adam later that weekend. I had friends visiting right after these incidents, and didn’t really think about taking the morning after pill.
The day after my period was due, I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative. I had had sore breasts and cramps, so I figured the period was coming. Five days later, I woke up and thought maybe I should take another test. It was positive. My first instinct was that I’d have an abortion. I didn’t want to tell anyone, even Adam, but then I figured I’d buy another test (maybe it was defective…) and tell him. The way I thought about it – I wasn’t completely sure who the father was, I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have insurance, and I had no idea where my life was going. I’m at the verge of starting a career after graduate school and who is going to hire a woman who’s visibly pregnant?
At first Adam was really supportive, telling me he’d support me no matter what, but that I should think about it. As time went on, it became clear he wanted me to keep it. It’s a way that he could keep me in his life forever – he is lazy, obsessed with sex (and not necessarily always with one woman), has no future, no career and no ambitions. He is very charming, but already has kids he doesn’t take care of. I didn’t want that. He became like one of those poster children for pro-life – “you can’t kill our baby”. He made the whole thing worse. I cried a lot.
The night before the abortion, I spent a lot of time on this site, and knew I was doing the right thing. I had chosen to have a medical abortion, and after reading countless horrific accounts, wanted to change my mind. I was scared, and Adam wasn’t helping. He agreed to come with me to the clinic the next morning. He never showed. The other women at the clinic were supportive, and I felt like I wasn’t doing it alone. I took the first pill and went to a job fair. I went to my part-time job the next day, and took the pills at night. Adam was supposed to be with me – he showed up after going to a party. I went through it alone.
There haven’t been too many positive stories about the pill. It was completely the right choice for me. I had pretty heavy, painful cramping for about an hour, but I took some Aleve and went to sleep and it was fine after that. The bleeding was negligible and I didn’t see “it” come out. It felt like a heavy period. I have light periods anyway and I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so the entire process was pretty seamless. For me, it felt a lot less invasive than having surgery. I didn’t feel like I had had a procedure or an abortion – it felt more natural than that. I think this helped me a bit emotionally. Two weeks later, I’m not pregnant, my breasts are finally not sore, and I feel like I have more control of my life (the job is a possibility, although still no insurance…).
I know I made the right choice. I want to have kids, and I’ve felt that more in the past year. But I want to have kids when I’m with a man who can take care of them and take care of me. I walked out of the clinic yesterday, and thought to myself with relief, I’m not sorry. Not. At. All.
