I lost my virginity. I used a condom. I took the morning after pill five hours after sex. (So maybe I was a little paranoid) (and if you’re unfamiliar with the pill, you can take it up to 72 hours after sex, but the sooner the better). With all my preventative measures, I still conceived. Needless to say, I did not want a child.
Backtracking, I thought the morning after pill would have worked. But I started feeling sick, My best friend was sick too so I thought that it was that. Two days later I took a test to make myself feel better. I thought the pill messed with my hormones and that’s why I hadn’t had my period. I was so nervous I “over-peed” and broke the first test. Went back to sleep. Woke up a few hours later. Took another one. Positive. I took another one hoping the electronic one broke. Positive. I made a phone call that afternoon to make an appointment at a clinic.
Backtracking even farther. I have always actively debated being pro-choice, with peers, co-workers and politicians. I have always firmly believed that the government should not intervene on our decisions on what to do with our own bodies. There has not been a pro-choice petition that has come into my hands that I have not signed and passed along to like-minded people. I never thought I would need one myself, but then again, who does. And that never mattered to me. I did it for all women. Women who felt like they couldn’t speak up for their beliefs. For my friends, family, for my future children. It’s no ones place to tell me what to do with my body, or my future.
Two days before the positive result. I received a letter in the mail from a politician, thanking me for signing, then trying to explain to me the “horrors of abortion”. Fuck him.
I had an abortion yesterday. I have had people wanting to talk to me about it. Telling me when this child’s birthday would have been. Telling me they wish they could have talked me out of it. People wondering why I did it. No one will just accept “It’s my decision, It’s what I wanted”. I couldn’t find anyone who understood me and I cried to my best friend until I was almost asleep. I cried because I am not emotional about it, and the only thing that upsets me is that everyone makes me feel like I should feel horrible about it and how I will regret it later. I felt upset that I am not upset and I don’t regret. And I shouldn’t have felt that way.
I don’t regret it. Nor will I ever. I am in bed recovering right now. I wish I went to a more compassionate facility where they treated me like a person. Not a waitress serving ice cold medical procedures. My experience with abortion was not pleasant. They shuffled me from room to room. My doctor was completely rude to me. They denied me any anesthesia. Then gave me one sedative, The nurses all told me how gentle the doctor was, but I was “the last procedure of the day” and he was very rough with me, they gave me an Ibuprofen and sent me on my merry way. No one I’ve spoken to that had the same procedure recently was as poorly medicated as myself. So I took getting painkillers into my own hands. I’m still a little crampy.
Now for the “I’ms”. I’m not pregnant. I am happy. I’m in my twenties, I’m in a good place in my life. I’m successful, I’m not ready for a child and I recognize that. I’m not saying I never want a child, I want children someday. I’m confident that I made the right decision and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I had an abortion. And here is what I’m not. I am not a whore. I am not a baby killer. I am not a murderer. I am not selfish. I am not sorry.
