I found out that I was pregnant through a home test first. The instructions said that the pink might swim around for a bit before settling, and that one line might be lighter than the other. Mine didn’t swim, and there were no light lines. Two bright pink lines showed up pretty much as soon as I set it down on the counter. I took that as a sign not to doubt the results.
I tried my best to agonize over the decision. I convinced myself that I should take a long time and really mull it over and over. I even pretended that I would mull over my boyfriends opinions carefully. That was all a lie of course, I’d made up my mind before I’d even taken the pregnancy test. I tried really hard to feel bad for ‘rushing’ the decision, I even tried to find deeper emotional reasons why I didn’t want a child. None of that would come though. And the worst part was that I didn’t even feel guilty over that. I thought for certain that something was wrong with me for being able to approach the situation so logically, and with such calm confidence. I felt like I should feel sad and conflicted.
I didn’t feel sad though, and I certainly wasn’t conflicted. I didn’t sway or change my mind, not even when my mother asked me every time I saw her if I was really certain that I really wanted to go through with it. She asked me for the last time in the waiting room of the clinic and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes at her. I felt a little guilty for being in good spirits in that place at first. The people in the waiting room all looked grim. I felt good though. I felt in control. I even forgot myself and laughed out loud at something my mom had said. That made me feel even more guilty, and self conscious of my good mood. I’ve never been ashamed of my cheery nature, it’s possibly the part of me I like the best.
When I got into the councilors office, I was immediately put at ease. She wasn’t rushed or busy like the ladies at the counter. In fact, she seemed to be in the same kind of mood as me. I told her straight up about how I was feeling. That I didn’t have trouble deciding, that I didn’t feel guilty or sad or conflicted, or anything but relieved and happy that I was at the clinic and ready to go. She was wonderful. She told me that other women were just the same, and that quite frankly I had a right to feel good and I shouldn’t apologize for that. Then she told me the one thing that really hit me as true, the one thing that I hadn’t been able to put into words:
Women get abortions because they love children and want to be good mothers. And it’s true.
After that I felt much better, and the rest of the technical stuff whizzed by. I’ll admit I got a little scared in the OR, but quite frankly that has more to do with the fact that I hate medical settings and less to do with what was actually going on. The nurse was really good about it, and made lots of jokes and told me all about what was going on. There was much laughing, especially from me when I had to put my legs up in the awkward stirrups, and then they just went ahead and did the procedure, quick and easy.
I remember feeling a little bit of pain, but honestly, by then they’d put something in the IV that made the little painted clouds on the ceiling swim around. I don’t remember much of it. I did get a little nauseous afterwards and had to throw up, but it was only the once, and the nausea faded within an hour. I had my abortion yesterday and I still haven’t bled at all. I’ve had a tiny amount of aching, really nothing even as bad as a period, and tomorrow I go back to work, same as always. It didn’t change my life, I didn’t cry about it, and I’m sure as hell not sorry.
