I am now the mother of 3 beautiful children and I’ve had two medical abortions as well. I’m not the least bit sorry or guilty over my abortions, I feel that they were both very wise choices that I made (following some slightly less wise choices I made).
I was 18 when I first became pregnant. My boyfriend at the time was an abusive rat who thought it was funny and clever to handcuff me to various household objects and/or to expose me to his friends. Seeing as I had been dealing with various forms of sexual abuse from the age of 3 on, I didn’t really understand that the relationship I was in wasn’t “Love” until I became pregnant and the reality of my situation finally hit me.
I had a heartfelt conversation with the soul that I felt was to be my daughter. I feel we agreed that I was in a bad situation and that I needed to get out. We also agreed that getting out would be harder or even impossible if I was going to raise this man’s child. I couldn’t fathom giving birth and handing my baby over to strangers to raise, it didn’t feel healthy for me. So I chose an abortion. If I hadn’t been able to get a legal, safe, medical abortion, I was going to jump off the roof of a building and hope I died or, at least miscarried. That’s how desperate I was *not* to be pregnant with this man’s child.
My abortion experience was very good, considering. I left that guy and found a new life for myself.
Later in my life, when I was already the mother of two children, I found myself pregnant again and, due to economic concerns and spacing issues (my baby was barely a year old at the time), my husband and I chose abortion. The family politics of giving a child up for adoption after having children already were daunting and I just couldn’t see tending to 3 little children myself while my husband was seeking work.
My second abortion was far worse than my first. I felt like I was paying the clinic staff to rape me, for all the care and concern they showed me. My recovery was harder but mostly because I felt like I’d been abused by the staff, not because I regretted my choice. I guess that it’s easier for people to sympathize with and comfort an unmarried, scared 18 year old than a calm and assured married mother of two. Or maybe I just caught them on a bad day…
Anyway, I did go on to have a third child (whom I secretly believe to be the soul of my aborted child returned to me at a better time). My understanding of life includes the immortality of the soul. Perhaps if I thought that abortion actually terminated the “soul”, I’d feel differently about my choices, but I don’t. My experience is that babies can and do return to us, if they are meant to be.
I don’t think that I’d choose to abort another child at this point in my life, but that’s my personal choice, based on my needs right now. I am forever grateful that I had the option to abort the two babies I could not emotionally or physically support earlier in my life.
Goddess bless Jane Roe and the courageous doctors who fight every day to offer women a choice!
