Sep 032010

I thought I’d write and share my story because this website has been such a help to me in a really tough time in my life.

I have two children and when my second was about 11 months I fell pregnant again (to my horror). I was on the pill but it was the one that is really low dose and intended for breastfeeding mums and I didn’t change when I stopped. I also wasn’t taking it at the same time every day as I was told to and missed a few pills here and there.

Our first child wasn’t planned but I was really happy to have him and changed from a person who thought she wouldn’t think twice about an abortion to a person who thought she would “never” have one. I was delighted to have my second son but two weeks after he was born our first was diagnosed with autism which meant a huge life change for us. I basically decided at this point that if I was going to do the best for the two children I’ve got more children were not an option. (wish I’d gone and got my tubes tied!)

When I fell pregnant I was distraught, angry, felt stupid, confused and all the things people generally say they feel. I said straight away to my husband that I didn’t want to have it but he talked me into it. That week or so was one of the hardest of my life pretending to want something that really scared me. In the end I came out and told my husband I just couldn’t have this baby. He said that male thing “I’ll support you whatever you want to do.” For him that meant “you decide what you want and then I never want to talk about it again”. We still haven’t really talked about it much although we are both OK with it now.

I spoke to a couple of counsellors—one who was from the clinic I was referred to and one who was from a government helpline. They both pushed their own agendas so I got a referral to a counselling clinic from my GP which was truly non-judgmental and without an agenda. They helped me realise that I was doing this because it was the right choice at this time in my life and I’m, so glad they did because I have so much on my plate with both my children there is no way I could handle a baby I also had post-natal depression after my second.

The worst part was making the decision. I cancelled the first appointment I made to get more counselling but finally I took my eldest son to school and left the baby with my husband and went off to get the tablets and injection which I was having. The tablet option seemed more natural and easier for me and also I had no one to pick me up and drop me off from the clinic so surgery wasn’t really an option. The worst part about being at the clinic was seeing all the other women with someone to support them while I was there on my own. I had an ultrasound which showed I wasn’t as far along as I thought and also showed a lot of blood around the pregnancy so maybe I would have lost this baby anyway. At least I like to think that. I asked them if they were just saying it to make me feel better but they said they weren’t allowed to do that so I accepted it. RU46 is still illegal where I live so I had an injection of methotrexate and then had some medication to take home which you dissolve in the place between your teeth and cheek. That was probably the worst physical bit—the tablets took ages to dissolve and made my mouth sore. The pain of the actual abortion wasn’t too bad (but I’ve had two kids and bad period pains). I went back a week later for another ultrasound which showed some retained material but I wasn’t pregnant anymore so that material would just come away with my next period. I also had a contraceptive implant fitted at the same time. No more unplanned pregnancies for me thanks!

After that I went out with my husband and we bought a special gift for both our sons. The hardest part of the whole thing was making the decision. In the end I saw it as an expression of love for the two beautiful children I have … the ones who are here already have to come first. I feel sad about this sometimes but I also know that I made the right choice for my family and I feel proud of the way I took control and made the right choice for my family without thinking about anyone else. So I’m not sorry.

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