Hello, my name is Connie, I am 55 years old, I have had two abortions and I am NOT sorry. I also ended up having a daughter I didn’t really want but I will get to that a little later. The first abortion was when I was 17 years old, back in 1971, before Roe vs. Wade. At that time I was basically the “black sheep” of the family, or the “rebel”. Drinking, experimenting with drugs, partying, and all that crap. I was also a very angry and somewhat depressed young girl who did not get along with my family that well. Of course I was sexually active, and back then at my age it was very hard to get birth control. You needed parental consent and there was no way that I was going to ask my parents because I know they would have refused. To be honest I can’t even remember sleeping around that much because I was so drunk most of the time. I did not know that I was pregnant until I started waking up with terrible morning sickness, I was ill most of the time and my period never came. It was hard to get a pregnancy test at that time, you had to go to the doctor for one. So I went to my local clinic had one done and of course it came back positive. Absolute panic came over me when I found out, and I knew right away that I was not going to keep it. I was a 17 year old alcoholic, on the verge of becoming a drug addict and just barely passing high school; there was no way in hell I was ready to raise a child, are you kidding me! So right away I got a hold of a friend of mine that had an abortion herself, (her mother used a coat hanger on her) I was definitely not going to try what she did. She told me about a clinic in another town close to mine she heard about that secretly did abortions, so I called up the clinic, made an appointment, I had to give them a fake I.D. I used to go into bars with, and it was the only way I could get medical coupons to pay for the abortion. My friend drove me to the clinic, we went in, and they wanted to make sure that I was really pregnant, I told them I already took the test but they insisted on taking one again. After a few hours of waiting it came back positive, and then they had to ask me if I really wanted an abortion. Well no shit of course I wanted an abortion! Why the hell would I be there if I didn’t want one! The doctor then took me to a back room, I had to change into a patient’s gown, lie on the bed and then he put me to sleep. When I woke up it was all over, I felt so relieved when it was done; my friend then took me out to get something to eat. It felt so good to actually eat, and then not feel sick afterwards.
My second abortion was when I was 19 in 1973, sometime in August, so this was right after Roe was passed. I was in a relationship with a man 20 years older then me. I did not want to go through with what I did before so I made sure that protection was used every time we did it. I was still drinking and doing some drugs so I had other issues at the time. Then just my luck, the condom ended up breaking, I didn’t know anything about the morning after pill, and I don’t even think they had them in the town I was living in; all I know is that I was young and stupid and very naive. So I thought that maybe nothing would happen and I would be lucky. Then what do you know soon afterward I got the same symptoms I had before, sick as a dog, my period never came, etc. At that moment I was not only freaked out but now I was downright pissed. I told my boyfriend, and he threatened that if I decided to keep the child, he would tell everyone in town what a “dirty little slut” I was, and then tell everyone that I slept with all the guys. Well, even if he didn’t threaten me I was still planning on having an abortion, so at that moment the relationship ended. (I found out later he was a child molester, and was abusing his niece at the same time he was with me, some dream guy huh?) Since abortion was now legal I called up the nearby clinic, made an appointment, went there and met with a very friendly doctor who made everything nice and comfortable for me. I was awake this time and he had me sit on this bed as he put what appeared to be a vacuum cleaner thing inside me. It was quick, wasn’t too painful and when it was over, I was so happy and relieved again. I left the clinic knowing I wouldn’t have to be tied down to that horrible man ever again.
A few years later I became engaged to a man I loved very much, and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. The one “problem” I guess you could say is that he was a black man. And the town I lived in was all white. I don’t mean it was a problem for me, not at all, just a problem with society of course. He was also into drugs like me, that’s probably where the “attraction” with him started. I ended up pregnant with his child but decided to keep it this time, throughout the pregnancy however I began to have second thoughts, but repressed my feelings because I wanted to make him happy. Nine months later I gave birth to a daughter, but when the nurses gave her to me to hold her, I felt nothing but sadness. I refused to hold her and I told the nurses to take her away. It was at that moment that I realized too late that motherhood was something I never wanted, and that I didn’t like kids that much. The marriage ended in disaster and we got a divorce a few years later. My daughter was raised mostly by my younger sister, and then my ex-husband’s family got custody of her, I was too busy getting my supply of heroin to care what my daughter was doing. My ex-husband ended up dying from a drug overdose, so I really felt alone then. Over the years I have cleaned up my act and started a new life for myself. I have since apologized to my family whom I had hurt over the years with my addiction, my relationship with my daughter is still rocky, but we have established some kind of friendship. If I had to do it over again I probably would not have kept her, I would have aborted a third time. I truly believe adoption would not have worked, because as terrible as it sounds, I don’t think anyone would have wanted a bi-racial baby, especially in those days.
I regret a lot of things in life, my stupidity at a young age, my addictions, hurting the ones I loved, but I do NOT regret having those abortions, and I am NOT sorry one bit. If I was forced to keep I know I would have killed myself eventually or those future babies would have lived a life in total misery. Even my daughter lived her own life in misery, not only did she have a mother who didn’t even want her, but she had to experience racism, and her grandparent’s that raised her turned out to be abusive and I didn’t know about it until many years later. I have always been pro-choice, and the threat of having our choices be taken away from us should never happen!
