Carmen’s Story

My name is Carmen and I had an abortion on the 28th of January (two days ago). I am married and I have a six year old boy who’s an amazing child and definitely the best thing I have ever done in my life.

I discovered I was pregnant on the 27th of December 2009 (although I actually had a feeling all along), and I knew as soon as the test came back positive that I was not going to keep it. Just like when I got pregnant 6 years ago I knew that I definitely wanted to keep it and try to give it the best life I could.

So back to the 27th, although I had suspected to be pregnant it still took me 3 positive tests to actually accept it. I cried all night. I didn’t want to be pregnant but I was. The same night I booked an appointment with Marie Stopes for a medical termination. I was less than 3 weeks pregnant and I really wanted to act as quickly as possible. The appointment was the same week. When I got there, they could not see anything on the scan so they could not do anything that day.

A nurse told me however that the medical termination was quite traumatic and advised me to have surgery instead which was quick and a competent doctor would have carried out. I trusted her and so I opted for a surgical instead.

I had to choose between being conscious or asleep. I was very scared that if I decided to be put to sleep I would not wake up and see my son ever again, but I was also scared that if I had been awake I wouldn’t have been able to keep still during surgery making it harder for everyone. So I decided to be put to sleep. I had to wait 3 more weeks for the surgery, and that was definitely the worst part for me. I never actually had second thoughts, but I have to say that I did feel horrible at times.

I was extremely worried about the surgery, didn’t know what to expect and I was really scared of having general anesthetic. For all those who like me are scared of doctors and needles, it was quite a simple procedure and I could not believe that it was over so quickly.

My major fear was to be put to sleep as I said. I do remember the doctor giving me the shot, and I do remember thinking “I’m not falling asleep” and next thing I know I am awake in another room, no pain whatsoever and had no idea what happened or how long I was passed out for. Apparently it was about 20 minutes – including the surgery – which was 5 minutes or so. I woke up to pure relief.

What really helped and in fact something that is still helping me to get through this is reminding myself the reasons why I made the choice; my marriage is not one of the happiest at the moment, I have just found a new job and I am still on my probation period and most important, I spent the last few years working unsociable hours which made it impossible for me to enjoy my son.

Now I have a new job working normal hours I finally have the chance to spend time with him, take him places and do all that I couldn’t do up until 3 months ago. When the test came out positive, this is what hurt to the most. The thought that, once again, I would have had to put him on the back burner. I simply decided I wouldn’t.

Some might say it’s selfish, but all I want right now is enjoy myself and enjoy my son and give him the good life I promised I would. A new baby does not fit well in this equation and in my current situation. And also, having being pregnant before I know exactly what to expect. I didn’t like being pregnant the first time around – I mean physically – and I don’t want to put my body through it again to be honest.

This is why I am still happy with my choice, because I knew/know that it was the right choice. I know for a fact that I am not physically, emotionally and economically prepared to have another baby.

Some could say “You should have been more careful then”. This is the only thing I felt guilty about during this time, the fact that I probably could have avoided this situation had I been more careful. Then I remembered that when this happened to one of my friends I myself thought “This is never going to happen to me, I wouldn’t let this happen” But it did happen. Like it could happen again. It can happen to anyone at any time. It’s definitely a lesson and something I don’t want to go through again, but I no longer feel guilty that it happened.

Now two days after the abortion I am 100% sure I made the right choice. Have been low at times, I’m not saying it was a ride to wonderland, but altogether I feel hundred times better than what I have felt in the past 7 weeks. And although it has been only 2 days, it feels like years. The healing process is quicker than I thought.

To those pro-life who say in blogs, in TV, or on the radio “You will never feel good, you will feel sad and cry and regret your choice for ever and you will never forgive yourself” to hell with all of them! They have no idea what relief this brings to women who are sure of their choices.

I definitely don’t regret it, and I am happy to finally have my life back so that I can look after the son that I actually have, who’s here with me right now and that I have learnt to love and been loving for the past 6 years. I only ever had one baby. And that was my choice too.