I want to share my story because your website and the stories that are on it gave me as much peace of mind as can be expected and the knowlege that there are so many women out there that have been through the same experience and are willing to tell their story. My abortion was yesterday and I am not sorry.
Please do not get me wrong-it was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I always believed that if this situation were to come up that there was no way I would be able to decide to not continue to term but I think until you are in that very spot you will never know how you will feel or react. I am 30 and this was my first pregnancy. I am all the statistics wrapped into one story. I was on the pill and, I admit, not taking it the same time every day but would miss in the morning and take two that night … you know the story. The father practiced the pull out early method, it was a combination of the two that did the trick. I didn’t realize I might pregnant until I missed what I thought was my second period. I took a home pregnancy test on, ironically enough, Mother’s Day and it came back positive. I cried. I started getting cramping the next day and thought “well maybe it was wrong and my period will come”. I waited a couple days and finally got the courage up to go to Planned Parenthood and have another test done. They confirmed my suspicions and it came back positive, we guessed I was about nine weeks along. I scheduled an appointment for the following Tuesday to terminate the pregnancy, I figured I could think things through … rationalize, deal with the emotions and then if I had decided to continue the pregnancy I would call and cancel the appointment. It was the worst weekend of my life. I spent a lot of time crying … a lot of time researching the two options I was considering. I knew in my heart that adoption wasn’t an option for me as if I carried this baby to term I wouldn’t be able to give the baby away. I decided after a lot of soul searching that I was at no place in my life physically, emotionally, financially or career wise to support and raise a child on my own and that my best choice was to terminate the pregnancy. I want to be a mother and I will again when the time is right.
My best friend came with me to the clinic on Tuesday. I was scared … scared that there would be protesters outside yelling awful things at me, scared that there would be a waiting room of people who would be judging me, scared that behind the doors would be crying and awful screaming like I had read on some sites while researching. My fears were calmed when we showed up at the clinic and the one protester was simply telling us his opinion. I walked inside and began the wait. It was a long time before I was seen, the fantastic nurse took me back and asked if I was sure of my decision and explained how the process would go. First, they did the ultrasound (I never saw the screen or the pictures, they were great about keeping those images from me). The ultrasound found that I was further along than I had thought. 13.5 weeks to be exact. Due to the time constraints and that the procedure would take a little longer there wasn’t enough time in the day to complete the procedure. I was asked if I could go to another clinic the following morning. I agreed, met with another fantastic nurse and went home to spend another night contemplating my decision.
I made a resolution to myself that night not to research any further. The knowledge of how far along I was changed who the father was. A man I knew well, am still friends with but we got together while my boyfriend and I were split up. The father is a man who in no way wanted a long term relationship with a woman, and I knew that. It made the decision a little bit easier (as impossible as that seems).
I went to a different clinc the next morning and was brought back to do another ultrasound and the blood test. The next step was to go over birth control, then insert two tablet-like things into my vagina to begin the dialation. I was given some ibuprofen and a couple of Xanax to help with anxiety then sent back into the lobby to let the pills take their effect and soften my cervix. After an hour and a half I was called back to begin the procedure. My best friend accompanied me into the room where I met another nurse and the doctor. They numbed my cervix, I was scared most of this part as I had read that it would be painful … I didn’t feel a thing. After that they began the procedure, I watched my friend and had tears in my eyes the entire time. It took about 10 minutes or so to complete and I was assisted to a room with a heating pack and blanket to rest while my friend went back to the lobby to wait for me. They gave me some medications and asked if I had any questions before sending me on my way home. I recommend that you rest the following day, I didn’t rest but went back to work and have had cramping today later in the day. My bleeding has been very minimal. Take all the medications they give you and don’t be afraid to ask all the questions you can at the clinic.
I commend the staff of Planned Parenthood. This is never an easy decision and the staff went out of their way to make me feel okay and comfortable. Telling me it was okay to cry and ok to feel a whole gamut of mixed emotions. I guess I wanted to share my story because I read stories on this site that were similar to mine and they helped me to know that I wasn’t alone out there. Others had been there, and others had been okay with their decision. There are a lot of sites out there that will tell of horrific stories and show horrific pictures, this site gave me a glimpse of hope that life could go on. If my story helps one woman then I have done what I wanted to do. I will never forget this decision, I will live with it forever but I know that I made the right decision for me at that this time in my life and did all the research to help in making that decision as informed as I could. It will never be an easy decision to make, no matter the circumstance but know that you are not alone.
