I want to start off by saying that I have had not one, but two unplanned pregnancies. Neither one were the result of “Oh I don’t have to use protection!” Both happened while using protection, or so I was told. But I am getting ahead of myself.
The first was when I was 18. My serious boyfriend and I had been active for some time, but, as neither one of us was anywhere near ready for marriage or children, we always used condoms. One time, the condom broke, and my boyfriend was too afraid to tell me, hoping that I wouldn’t notice. Then my period was late. When I mentioned that, he confessed and we went to get a pregnancy test. Sure enough, two lines and I was facing my life being over. Together we talked about it and came to the same conclusion (neither pushed the other) that abortion was the best option. I went in, and it was determined that I was still too early for the procedure. I was told to come back in a month. During that month I had a total miscarriage. My body didn’t even want it. I did go back to make sure the miscarriage was total. It was determined I was 6 ½ weeks along.
I do not mourn, and I am not sorry that it happened. I am not sorry for feeling RELIEVED and HAPPY that it happened, either.
The second happened when I was 25. I had begun seeing someone and during the “getting to know you” phase, he said that he had gotten a vasectomy. As he was a decent bit older than I, I did not take that amiss. One thing led to another, and due to the vasectomy, no other form of protection was used. A few weeks later, I was late on my period. Either the vasectomy reversed or he had lied. Considering the moment he knew about it, he cut off all contact, to the point of never answering the door despite his car being in the driveway, I figured the latter had happened. Someone who lies to me to avoid using protection does not deserve a say in what happens to the result of their lies. I had a medical (not surgical) abortion. I was 6 weeks along. I will say it was one of the most physically painful processes I have lived through, as I didn’t listen to the doctor when he said to take painkillers.
It was physically painful, but emotionally and psychologically freeing. I am not sorry I did it. It has been over 3 years, and I rejoice in my choice. I have since gotten on Depo-Provera. I will not let the option of birth control out of my hands ever again, as it seems I cannot trust my partners.
I do not look back and wonder what might have been. I do not look at my niece (at the time of this writing, she is less than a year old) and think “She could have been mine.” I do not cry on the anniversary. I am glad I did what I did, and I am not sorry for feeling that way, or for doing it.
