Sep 022010

It was October. I was sitting at my desk at work and I started wondering when I had last had my period. My period was generally pretty regular and I suddenly realized it had been well over a month since my last one. The longer I thought about it the more I realized that it was actually closer to 2 months since my last period. Well, I started feeling anxiety and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sit there all afternoon without doing something. I ran down to Rite Aid and bought the cheapest pregnancy test they had. I quickly hurried back to work and into the bathroom. As soon as I peed on the stick a big positive sign filled the little screen. I was so shocked that I didn’t believe that I was reading the results correctly. Did plus mean you weren’t pregnant. I started feeling frantic and realized that this test did indeed indicate that I was pregnant. Of course, I didn’t believe it. I ran back to Rite Aid and bough the most expensive digital pregnancy test they had in stock. This time I couldn’t even make it back to work to do the test. I went into the bathroom at Rite Aid and did the test. PREGNANT immediately flashed on the screen. I felt panicky and like I couldn’t breathe. Even with this proof in front of me I couldn’t accept that I was pregnant. I had always thought that when I really decided to have children I would be one of those women who would have trouble conceiving. In a daze I made my way back to work and after trying to do some work I realized I needed to get out of there….there was no way I could concentrate. I immediately drove to my doctor’s office and went to the lab for a pregnancy test. I felt like this would be more official….maybe the store bought ones weren’t that accurate. Well, the next morning I checked my lab results online and sure enough there was a “positive” result for my beta Hcg results. I was really pregnant.

My boyfriend of just 2.5 months was positively excited. We had recently professed our love for one another and were even talking of our future together. The minute I told him the news he took me to look at rings. Then we went to the bookstore and he bought me “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and also a book for himself for “Dads To Be.” We went to Wal-Mart and he bought me prenatal vitamins so I could get started on them right away. I had mixed feelings. I was excited to have a new life growing in me. There was a sense of wonder and awe. There was also a sense of abject horror. “Rob” was in the military and would be leaving for Korea for an entire year just one month after the baby was due. We had only been dating for 2.5 months and while I loved him I wasn’t quite ready to commit my entire life to him. The idea of being alone for an entire year as a new mom with a newborn scared me beyond belief. I didn’t want to parent alone. I wanted support …I wanted to do it with a partner. “Rob” didn’t understand why I was so concerned about his year away. It was “only” a year he would say. Well, to me, that first year of the baby’s life was a time when I certainly didn’t want to be alone. For a few weeks I planned on continuing the pregnancy and lived with the knowledge that I was going to be a mom. “Rob” and I went to the first prenatal visit and saw our baby on the ultrasound screen and saw the heartbeat. It was amazing. I tried to talk to “Rob” about my concerns about the timing of this pregnancy. He refused to even consider the possibility of ending the pregnancy. When I talked to him about my concerns he totally blew me off and would tell me that I was just a worrywart, that everything would be fine. I felt so alone. I felt like he wasn’t listening to me at all. My concerns continued to grow. I began to realize that this just wasn’t right. I began to realize I couldn’t go through with the pregnancy. When I told “Rob” this he became very mean. He asked me how I could kill my own baby. He e-mailed me articles about the horrors of abortion. Well, I stopped talking to him about abortion. He took this to mean that I had decided to continue the pregnancy. He started looking into buying “baby things” and was designing a crib that he was going to build himself. I felt like such an awful person. I wanted to make him happy and give him this baby but I didn’t feel that it was right. Inside, I knew this wasn’t the right time. I didn’t know if “Rob” and I could work well together as parents when he couldn’t even listen to my concerns.

I made an appointment for a consultation at the abortion clinic. At that appointment, I found out I was pregnant with identical twins. This took my spinning in a whole new direction. I felt so confused and alone. I didn’t know which way to turn. Now I had two lives growing inside of me. I had fantasies of two adorable fat babies dressed in identical outfits. I dreamed of holding my babies and kissing their cheeks and breathing in their baby smell. I cried all the time. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I felt selfish and awful. I made my appointment for the abortion for a week after the consultation. That was the hardest week of my life. I don’t remember much from that time because I was living in such a daze. I was sick from being pregnant….but I began to feel sure in my decision. This was the hardest thing I had ever done but I knew it was also the right thing to do. I worried about the abortion and the procedure itself….would I bleed to death? Would I be allergic to the medications?

The time finally came for the abortion. Everyone was so nice to me and they gave me drugs to be sedated…the procedure only took 5 minutes. Suddenly they were wheeling me into the recovery room and it was over. Tears started pouring down my face. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt such relief that this was all over. I felt so proud of myself for being strong and making such a hard choice for myself…the right choice. I felt so lucky to live in a place where I had the opportunity to make that choice for myself.

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