Sep 022010

I had an abortion this week. I never ever thought that I would consider it. I always said that I was pro-choice, but that I could never do it myself. That was until I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago.

I’m married and have a daughter who is 11 months old. I breastfeed my daughter and plan on practicing baby led weaning and nursing her until she is at least 2. I was one of the “lucky” breastfeeding mothers and didn’t get my period right away after she was born. She started to slow down nursing at around 10 months old because she was eating more solid food, so I knew that my period should start soon, but stupidly I didn’t do anything about it. I told my husband that the possibility of me getting pregnant was very slim and assured him that I would get on birth control as soon as I got my period (based on what my doctor had told me). Well, I got pregnant on that first ovulation before my first post partum period started.

I was in complete shock. My husband and I had had a very very difficult time with our marriage this last spring and things were finally starting to turn around and get better. When I told him I was pregnant, he was furious. I was terrified too, and so upset with myself for being so negligent and letting it happen. I did not want to have my kids so close together and I was heartbroken at the possibility of being pregnant interfering with nursing my daughter. After a week of arguing and arguing…it was very ugly in our house…I decided that abortion was the right thing to do. I changed my mind at least 6 times though. I made appointments, then didn’t go, then kicked myself for not going then made more appointments. I had 2 miscarriages at 10 weeks or so before I had my daughter, and I felt like such a hypocrite for even considering aborting because we had tried so hard to have her and were very upset after the miscarriages.

I was all set to have a surgical abortion this Wednesday, but after reading through what they actually do I was so sick to my stomach and terrified. The procedure seemed so invasive and I just wasn’t comfortable with that. So, I opted for the medical abortion. With the pill though, I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter for 72 hours and I had just donated the rest of my frozen milk so I didn’t have any in the freezer for her. Thankfully one of my best friends is also nursing and she sent me some frozen milk to give to my baby until the medicine had left my system.

I had to drive 2 hours to a clinic that does the pill because nobody in my area will do it. I arrived a bit early, and pumped in my car before going in. The ladies at the clinic were wonderful, and made me feel very much at ease. I was there for about 3 hours doing the bloodwork, ultrasound, physical exam and all of that. I do admit though, it was hard to swallow the pill. Just taking that final step, there was definitely no going back.

The next day, I started to bleed and go through the expulsion process before I had even taken the 2nd pills. I called the doctor and since I was already bleeding she said it was fine to take the cytotec to help the contracting start up. I was extremely dizzy and nauseated for a half hour. I was actually so freaked out that I called the nurse. She told me to drink a coke or something sugary and eat. I did, and it helped immediately. I had about 4-5 hours of really heavy bleeding and very large clots passing. But by midnight that night it was over with.

I really had no idea how I expected myself to react afterwards, but I was surprised that I felt so good. I felt relieved, not sad. The hardest part was bottle-feeding my daughter for a few days. She kept signing for mama milk and it broke my heart. Today was the first day that I was able to let her nurse again, and it was wonderful. My husband has been very supportive through the process and we both felt like this decision was for the best. we plan to have another child someday. I am thankful that this option was available to me because I want each of my children to know that they were wanted and that we were ecstatic when we found out about being pregnant with them.

I had an abortion and I am not sorry. I feel empowered and glad that I took control of my future and didn’t let myself fall victim to my own negligence.

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