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I am 21 years old. And as terrible as it sounds, I am on the verge of having my 4th abortion. And I am terrified.
My first was when I was 16 years old. I chose a medical abortion. I had still not had my first period and I figured that until I did, I was safe with my boyfriend. I was only with him, so if anything happened, I’d feel safe. I started getting horrible nausea a few months after we started dating and my mother forced me to take a test. It came out positive and she made the decision that I’d have an abortion. I went to the office with her and my boyfriend and I was surprised how casual she was about it. She told me that she had two, something I never knew. And that it really is the best decision.
I bled for 3 months straight and dumped that guy. He said he’d pay for half the procedure, and he wouldn’t. Luckily now, if you do have proof of pregnancy, you can get emergency medical insurance from welfare and they cover the procedure. But then, I didn’t know this. And it cost me a lot. I am so glad I didn’t go through with having his baby. Right now, he has 4 kids with 4 different women and he is not allowed to see any of them. He shook his second baby so hard he broke a rib. I am so relieved that our baby got to go to a better place and not in this sick world…
I figured I knew better and at 18 I got pregnant with my son. I was scared at first but I was getting married and I felt comfortable with bringing a baby into my life and sharing a life with him. I had a wonderful pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby boy. It wreaked havoc on my body and I didn’t bounce back like every one of my friends did. And when he was 4 months old, I got pregnant again.
I was so scared. I couldn’t tell my then fiancé. I hoped if I didn’t tell an one, it would go away. Of course it doesn’t work that way though and eventually he recognized the symptoms and we sat and talked it out. Neither of us was ready to have another baby. Our hands were full with the life we had now and we barely made enough to get by as it was. So I saved up and when I had enough I went to Planned Parenthood. I was too far along for them to do anything so I had to go two towns away to get a surgical procedure. I spent the entire day in a room filled with high school teenagers with their boyfriends acting like it was nothing but a pap smear. I was alone. I was hungry. I was very very cold. The doctor was so nice and liked my hair and talked a lot about Ryan Seacrest. The stuff they gave me was really strong and I conked out so I don’t remember much. But I woke up very nauseous and tired. My ride was very late and I had to wait a few hours for them to get there.
I started taking birth control and my relationship fell apart. His interests were in other girls and mine was in coming back home. I hated being states away from all my friends and family. I moved back home and tried a long distance relationship but it wouldn’t work out. We started seeing different people and just like that, I got pregnant again. Luckily I was dating a long time friend whom I’ve known for 10 years. He understood and when we agreed what was right, we held each other and cried. It was the first time that I felt like some one cared that this was going to hurt me. That I wasn’t the only one that was going to suffer from this. And if felt good.
I had to bring my son to his father for a visit and I set an appointment at a place nearby and once again went alone. To the same Planned Parenthood I went to the second time and I had it done there. A medical abortion. I got on a new birth control, an IUD, and hoped that it would be more successful than the pill. And it was for a while.
But now, here I am again. Not even a full year later, and I am pregnant again. How? I have no idea. I figured that IUD’s would be the best choice for me. How does this keep happening? All I know is that I am not ready to have a baby and a 2 year old son. I am not ready and its my choice. I don’t really so much regret my decisions, but I do wish that I wasn’t so fertile. I tried getting my tubes tied and I was told I had to have 2 children to be considered for that surgery by my HMO. I don’t want two children, I am happy with one, and I am done. Hopefully this is the absolute last time. I am using condoms and a new pill after this and I hope this scare is the absolute last. No matter what people say, eventually you do get over it and mostly its a better decision than bringing a child into the world that you don’t want or aren’t ready for. I couldn’t have a baby out there and not know who he was, who adopted him, how he was doing, if he was being abused. It would kill me. It hurts, physically and mentally, but if you’re strong enough to make a choice, you’re strong enough to get over it.
