Six years ago I had an abortion. It was the right thing to do for my and my body. I was just 20 years old, I had only been with my partner for 8 months, and although we were committed to one another, we had not spoken of the future to any real extent. He was the first person I had ever had sex with, and we had only become sexually involved 4 months earlier. We used condoms, and in one of the ultimate expressions of Murphy’s Law, I sought a prescription for birth control pills two short weeks before discovering I was pregnant. Thankfully, I received that prescription from my family doctor that knew me since childhood, and knew of my life goals. She was incredibly helpful and supportive when I went to her for a pregnancy test. Once it was discerned that I was in fact pregnant, she immediately raised the issue that was on my mind (how and where would I go for an abortion if I chose that route) and recommended a clinic and hospital. It was also a relief that I lived in a large city, where undertaking this procedure could be quite anonymous. Furthermore, I live in a country where healthcare is universal, and therefore, I did not have to be concerned with the costs of the procedure. This was great relief, as I was working a summer job to save for the next year’s tuition.
I never considered any option other than abortion. I had just finished by first year of my undergraduate degree at university, and was planning on graduate school. I knew that I could not accomplish the goals I had set for myself with a child in the picture. I was worried that my family and friends would think I was stupid for getting myself “knocked up” so to speak, and so I told no one, other than my partner. I was concerned with how he might respond, and it was difficult to tell him, but when I did, I was incredibly relieved that he was very supportive. He reassured me that he would be there for me, regardless of my choice, and once I made it clear that I wished to have an abortion, he admitted that he was relieved to hear it, as he did not feel that he was in the position to be a father at that point in his life.
The hardest part of the experience was keeping it a secret from my family and friends, (which I realize was stress I placed on myself, because they would have been supportive, I was just not ready to deal with their reactions). Really, the actual procedure was not bad at all. Although inexplicably, the hospital required us to arrive early in the morning for a later afternoon surgery, hence making me sit in a waiting room in a gown for hours, the actual surgery was fine. They administered an anaesthetic, and the next thing I remembered I was waking up in a recovery room. Competent and friendly nurses offered pain medication, but I did not feel pain, just discomfort, not unlike menstrual cramps. I went back to work the next day, and other than bleeding for about a week, like a period, I did not feel any ill effects. In fact, I had been suffering nausea for weeks while pregnant, and the relief from this was overwhelmingly enjoyable. In addition, I felt so much weight lifted off my shoulders, that my mood almost instantly lifted immensely. The stress of my secret was gone.
I never felt badly that I had the abortion. In fact, after a while, I started to think that there was something wrong with me that I wasn’t distraught and depressed, like the portrayals I’d seen in bad TV movies. I began to wonder if I was a monster devoid of any maternal instinct, because I didn’t feel guilty and horrible. It took a while for me to realize that I didn’t feel this way, because I didn’t see anything wrong with my choice, and the consequences of making any other choice would have been much worse than any from the choice I made to have the abortion.
Recently, I had a pregnancy scare, due to missing a period as a side effect of a birth control pill, and I again experienced my instant reaction that I would have to have an abortion. My feelings that I was an awful selfish person were briefly renewed, but as I reviewed my previous experience, and my life since then, I realized that it was the right choice then, and it would be the right choice now, because although my life is quite different from six years ago, there were still many factors contributing to my inability to give birth and rear a child. (In reality, I did not actually have to make the choice again, as I was never pregnant this time around, but I had made the choice in my head and heart, and my husband was again supportive of my having an abortion.)
I am now in the process of completing my PhD, which required me to be geographically separated from my husband (the same man I was with at the time of the abortion) for almost 2 years, something that would not have been financially or logistically possible if there was a 3 year old child in the picture. Having the abortion allowed me to continue to work toward my goals. I believe that the abortion experience allowed my husband and I to truly test our relationship, and realize that we could be honest and supportive in tough situations, which is part of the reason we were able to live apart for 2 years right after getting married, and still trust and support each other. My husband would not have the career he enjoys now had there been a child born. He would have had to stay in the job he hated, because of the financial security a child necessitates.
We look forward to having children in a few more years, when I have reached my career goals. My husband wants to be a stay at home dad, something that would not have been possible if I had gotten a job after my undergraduate education (because I would not be able to make enough money to support us). I am glad I made the choice that I did. Six years ago, I had an abortion. Then and now, I am not sorry.
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