I was dating a guy that I really loved and still do but we had had some problems, it was all too much too fast and decided to take a break. We did get back together about 4 months later but while apart I stopped taking the pill (I had been on it for a long time, convinced myself that I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone) and wanted to take a break from everything that I was putting in my body. During this break an opportunity came up at work that I would be able to travel overseas and work for 6 months and the day after I agreed to that I ran into my boyfriend and from that night on we were back together, completely, as if nothing had changed ... except I was no longer taking any oral contraceptives (and my schoolgirl thinking convinced me that one time would be okay) even though at 26 I did know better, but all those times before nothing ever happened so this time will be all right, it just can't happen to me. Well it did. I had my thoughts that it might be possible and took a home pregnancy test and it came up negative, safe again (I must be infertile, right?).

But still I felt something going on and just didn't feel right but by now I had only about two weeks until moving thousands of miles away, I am back with the love of my life, all this stress is what's making me feel off, and besides the test said negative. I was moving overseas on a Tuesday and really nervous about it, I just got back together with my love and now am leaving...he's going to wait for me right? And decided the Sunday before I was scheduled to leave that I would take another pregnancy test, no period yet. I was nervous but I know that it just isn't possible or is it? I am all by myself and what the hell, just better make sure I'm not. Well, to my surprise (or was I really surprised?) it in fact turned up positive. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I am moving to another continent in a day and a half, I just got back together with this great guy that will dump me in a heart beat if he knows I'm pregnant, I have the opportunity of a lifetime to really make something of my career and now you're going to tell me I'm pregnant? This doesn't happen to girls like me, hell, I thought I was infertile. Reality check...not infertile, just amazingly lucky.

I am totally freaking out at this point, have no idea what to do, I have two friends in the whole world that I truly believe would never judge me for my mistake, God I hope they can make this go away. They do their obligatory friendship duties but really they can't make it go away. I go to my doctor first thing in the morning (yes about 24 hours before I am to move far far away) and he basically tells me there is nothing he can do for me in that short time frame. What kind of doctor is he? I decide to try and forget about it, move away and deal with it when I get there, but I don't want to go, I just want to erase the last month and do it all over again, and when I get there do they even believe in abortion? How do I figure this all out, much less in a country that I don't even know? I leave, take a lot of pills in hopes that I can sleep the whole ten hour flight and maybe if I take enough pills it will take care of my little problem. Well, Gravol doesn't take care of anything more then motion sickness I found out.

After spending 3 days trying to get over severe jet lag (or is this morning sickness?) who knows at this point, all I know is that I feel like shit, my life is over and I can't even figure out how to use these phones to call home. Why me? God, just make it go away. I start working and am so sick for the first week and a half that I've convince myself that my new boss is regretting bringing this foreigner over, maybe he'll send me back. I finally make a doctor's appointment because I just can't go on like this and thankfully I get the most amazing doctor alive. He didn't even know me, had never seen me before and not even from his country and the only words I hear from his mouth is that he will support me in whatever I decide. So it's okay that a girl who is almost 27 is pregnant, has made a mistake, and there is something he will help me do to get through this. He sets up an appointment with the country's agency that handles these types of problems and arranged everything for me. Now I just have to make my way into the capital city and find this place. I do and everything goes great, they are so kind and supportive and set things up so that the procedure will happen one week later (by all the time that has gone by I am now at 10 and a half weeks along).

I tell my new employer that I am so sorry that I have not been up to standards work wise but I have found out that I am having some female problems and that I need to have day surgery and after that I will show you how lucky you are to have me. Everything is set, I have planned how to get there, how to find it, when I need to leave, etc. The only thing I have yet to figure out is "can I really do THIS alone?” I have only been here five weeks, I don't know just how accepting these people are about this type of thing, how can I ask anyone to come along and risk having them look down on me for the remaining time I am here (by the way, I only work with two other females, the rest males so that really narrowed the choices) I decided to do it on my own. And I did. Got there myself, went through the procedure, got myself home, recovered with nobody's help, and I was fine until one day one of the girls I worked with asked me about it. I didn't dare tell her, we're finally getting along and I really think we are going to be friends, what ruin the chances now? I lied to her and as soon as the words came out of my mouth I hated it, but to my surprise she knew. I don't have any idea of how she knew but she then told me about how she had to have an abortion not that long ago and how my story sounded similar to what she said, and that she knew I was all alone here and that if and when I needed to talk she was there. Well, I needed to talk and talk we did. Not about how bad we felt, about how good we felt.

I'm not saying that I'm glad that I HAD to go through this because I'm not. I wish that the whole situation never happened, but I am glad that I had options on how to deal with it. I may be selfish but I have expectations for when I have my children, like wanting everything for them, being able to feed them, cloth them, give them a complete family (I am not knocking single parents, I have so much respect for them, I just don't believe that at that point in my life I was capable of caring for a child on my own). I want to be able to give my child at least everything I had and hopefully more, and at that point in my life, my career, it wouldn't have been possible. If that is what selfish is then so be it, I can take that, what I couldn't take is having to bring a child into this world and it having to struggle right from the beginning. I was not poor but I was just making my way into my profession and I do believe that my decision was right for me. I am 100% thankful that I did have a choice and I do know that there are many choices above abortion, but I know in my heart that if I carried a child inside myself I couldn't give it up at the end of it all, I know that. I do think/wonder what if, what if? But I certainly do not dwell on it and am grateful every day that I made the choice that I made.