A few months into our relationship I felt like I was putting on a few pounds, I was a bit nauseous during the morning hours, but when my breasts began to feel tender is when I started to realize what was happening. I bought a test and took it at home. It did not take two shakes of a lamb’s tail for those lines to radiate bright pink. Oh no! I was scared. What now? Many scenarios crossed my mind.

I really did not want to end up like the other unplanned mothers who filled the poor southern town that I am from. Unhappy and screaming at their children who were screaming back in return and seemed to be even more miserable than the parents. That is not the life I want and it is not the life I want to give to my child. When I have children, I want to have a good home for them. I do not want to work two jobs to come home to latchkey kids who never see or get to know their parents. And adoption was also out of the question. If I kept this child in my body long term and delivered the baby, I would most assuredly keep that child. I also knew that I still had so much growing up to do. I had only just begun my journey into adulthood.

I called my boyfriend and he came over. I cried and I think he might have cried a little, too. It was really emotional for both of us and neither of us wanted to suggest abortion because where I am from it is taboo to even think about. But we did. And we talked about it and decided that it was indeed the best option. I knew that it was a serious decision and that I would have to be absolutely sure that I would not regret it for the rest of my life. I prayed about it. I wrote about it in my journal. I went over every possible scenario in my head. I decided that this was the best option for me.

We called a clinic and went for an initial visit where they verified that I was 7-8 weeks along and then we discussed all my options. They were all very nice and respectful and they wanted me to know that I had choices in the matter and to think about these choices. They never once pushed me in one direction or the other. They just laid the information out there for me to decide for myself. Once the decision was made to get the procedure, I went into another room where the doctor came in to discuss in detail what happens and to warn us of problems that could arise, as with any surgery. He said that it was more likely for us to get in a car accident than for complications to arise from the abortion.

We made another appointment for a week later to do the actual procedure. The worst part of that procedure for me was walking into that building that morning because there were people outside protesting and yelling at me and calling me horrible names all while holding signs with deformed fetuses and nightmarish sayings about how I am a whore and I am going to hell if I enter that building. Once I got inside, though, everything was fine. The staff even took a moment to speak with me to make sure that those people outside did not get to me. Then I went in to speak to the doctor for a moment and he gave me a little pill to take to relax me. I went back into the waiting room where my faithful boyfriend would wait patiently through this whole ordeal. I am eventually called into another room where I changed and laid down on a bed. They gave me gas and told me to just breathe. There was this wind chime singing on the ceiling with gulls on it and the doctor was making the cull of the gulls as I drifted in and out while the nurse was telling me how well I was doing. I felt some pressure and a tugging sensation, but then it was over. It did not take much time at all. Once the gas wore off a bit, they led me into another room with a few other women and some recliners where we had to sit for a while to make sure that we did not have any problems or pains. Eventually I went back into the waiting room and my boyfriend took me home. I had to go back once more a week or two later so they could do a few more tests to make sure everything went as planned and there were no complications, which there were not. All together I was off work for 3 days, which was over a weekend so I did not miss much work. The only thing I felt afterwards was a small soreness type of cramp in the center of my lower abdomen for maybe a week or two. It was not serious, just a reminder to take it easy for a bit.

People ask me if I regret it. Not one bit. Although it was one of the hardest decisions to make in my life, I am completely happy with the decision I have made. I am not saying that it was easy and I am not saying that I was over it as soon as the abortion was finished. I was not. I beat myself up about it for a little while even though I knew I had done the right thing. What I eventually realized is that I just had to support my decision and accept it as it was… a very difficult decision but one that I would not change to this day. I have done well for myself now and when the time is right I will have a child that I can give all the attention and love that they deserve. Just not yet.