At twenty years old, I was going through a very difficult time in my life. I did very well in high school and graduated with honors but I was stuck in a rut. I hated the job I had, I was low on funds, my apartment was horrible and I had very little friends. My family situation had always been unsupportive and full of hate because I refused to bend to my ultra-Fundamentalist Christian mother and her demands. My father was abusive and at one point stalked me outside my apartment. My grandparents, the only people who took care of me, didn't know what to do even though they loved me. I was a mess. I hadn't gone on to college and I was battling a severe depression that threatened to ruin everything that I was. Nothing mattered to me anymore. It was in that mood that I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't surprised. About two months before I had stopped taking my birth control. To this day I can't say why I stopped, only that I did. One day I started to get sick and I went into the clinic to get a free test. It sounds odd, but before I had the test I almost felt happy about it. I felt like a baby might make me feel life again and give me direction. I thought about being a mother, and a smiling child to care for and love, and to love me back. I saw unconditional acceptance and light at the end of a tunnel. But when the nurse came in and told me for sure, my rosy outlook changed. In that moment the situation became real. I was lying to myself! I could barely move out of bed in the morning; how could I raise a child? The father was the LAST person I wanted to actually *be* a father to anyone's baby, let alone my own baby. I didn't even want to think about money it was so impossible. And to top it all off, my very small frame and a prior family history meant a long and painful nine months that quite possibly would end in a stillbirth or miscarriage. All illusions lifted as I thought clearly for the first time in months. I instantly made up my mind to have an abortion and I asked for the clinic number right then and there. Fast forward to the actual abortion: I kept a clear head and the procedure itself went by smoothly. The office was well hidden and there were no protesters. In fact, the hardest part was paying for it myself as I refused assistance. I thought I didn't deserve it because I had chosen to go off my pills. I felt like I was doing the right thing. When the time came I was given a small dose of painkillers and some Ibuprofen. I felt silly and dizzy as it happened, and then came a feeling like the worst menstrual cramps I had ever experienced. Then it was over. I remember giving a small chuckle at how short it seemed. In my delirium I asked to see the remains of the fetus. Unusually, the doctor obliged. All I could think of was it looked like grape jelly floating on the top of a glass of water. It seemed like a dream. Afterwards I fell asleep in the recliner for women who had just gone through the procedure. I was out for an hour before I thanked the nurse, had a glass of water, and had my then-boyfriend pick me up to leave. When I got home I reflected and realized I had just made the first good choice for myself in what seemed like an eternity. It has been two years to the day since I had the procedure and I never once second-guessed myself. The experience helped me realize how close I was getting to my own end. I saw a doctor for my depression, talked honestly about my life to my grandparents, and got myself back on track to be happy. I left my job, which was a big part of the problem. I dumped my then-boyfriend and went back to school where I lived in a dorm and made some friends. I made peace with myself about my parents and poor family life. I found a passion for helping people and followed that after school. Today I am a federal relief volunteer helping low-income individuals and children, and I am paying off my student loans. I am with someone I love and I have a good, clean place to live. My depression is under control, I am free of self-destructive choices, and I have never been greater or more socially productive.
To this day I shudder to think of what would have happened to my life if abortion wasn't an option for me. I know it is that way for many women. I will fight to keep abortion safe and legal and support those who choose it without judgment. I will fight to bring that right to choice to all women worldwide. Abortion is a woman's very personal right.
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