I have had a total of six abortions over 14 years and have not experienced one second of regret. I have, however, narrowed the number down to two when discussing it with most people I know because I'm afraid they're going to be horrified, assume I'm a slut, use abortion as a method of birth control, etc., etc. Really the only thing I am ashamed of is the fact that I have found it difficult to just talk about it loudly and proudly. Although the older I get, the less I give a damn about what people think, and I am slowly coming to the realization that anyone who would jump to such unwarranted conclusions is not someone I want as a friend anyway.
I had my first abortion when I was 16 -- admittedly
young and stupid, had never used contraception
(pre-AIDS, thank God), wasn't sure who the father was.
I have to give props to my mom who, no adamant
pro-choicer she, agreed to finance the procedure and
even drove me to and from the clinic.
After that experience, I got on the pill and used it
religiously. Took it like clockwork every day at the
same time. Did not take any other drugs (antibiotics,
etc.) that might impede its efficacy. Got pregnant
again at 19. Well, OK, these things happen.
Back on the pill (strongest formulation possible), now
supplementing it with condoms... the condom breaks,
and I'm pregnant AGAIN at 21. Now I'm just really
annoyed. Could there be any crueler joke, the woman
who wants children least is the most fertile of all??
In desperation I visit several doctors in the quest
for a tubal ligation. No one will do it because
apparently, having two X chromosomes, I haven't the
mental capacity to decide for myself whether or not I
want children (which I have NEVER wanted, EVER). I
guess the much-touted alternative of adoption only
works if you're giving the child up, not if you want a
child of your own. But, I am asked, what if I get
married and hubby demands to spread his genetic
material? Can you believe this? The fact that I have
already HAD three abortions does not seem to hint at a
general aversion to child-bearing on my part, much
less the insultingly sexist overtones of that question
(hubby's right to procreation trumping my right to
self-determination). Yes, yes [pat on the head], come
back to us when you're thirty. Of course, by then
you'll have changed your mind.
Well, to cut to the chase, I finally did get my tubal
at the age of thirty, but not before having three MORE
abortions, all of which were attributable to birth
control failure. You better believe I threw a party
the week after I got out of surgery. Looking back
though, it makes me angry that not one doctor would
listen to my wishes, even after the fifth abortion.
Um, is there not a pattern here? I mean, do you think
I WANT to have an abortion? Yeah, because having an
abortion is soooooo much fun! I have nothing better to
spend my money on, and I do so love being stressed
out, not to mention the threat to my health. (One of
them, I think the fourth, took place the very week
that I was scheduled to take my law school entrance
exams. Wonderful timing. Just what I wanted.)
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, and I appreciate
your site. It is wonderful that someone is finally
acknowledging my right to my feelings instead of
attempting to impute nonexistent feelings of remorse
and guilt. Because I would do it all over again, and
I'm not sorry!
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