I knew deep down right away that abortion was the best choice for me. I booked my appointment straight away at 5 weeks pregnant. The hardest part was waiting the nearly 6 weeks til I could get in at the clinic. With the father of this pregnancy quite happy about that decision and my other baby's dad was devastated. I did go back and forth weighing all the options carefully. It was either continue this pregnancy, have no support from the biological father, I'd be lying to all my family having them believe this baby was fathered by the same man as my other two children, it would have been a disaster. I was not ready to lie to my daughter's telling them, look at their little brother or sister ... no way it would be partially a lie. I couldn't go on acting as though I had a happy little family when in reality this baby was conceived from me sleeping with another man.

The night before the abortion I spent with the biological father. My nerves were on edge, I was anxious and already feeling relief at the idea of having this procedure done. I was worried about the pain a little but after having two c-sections I knew I'd be okay. I went home late that night, about 4:00am. Having to be at the clinic which is an hours drive away at 8:45 am I knew I wasn't going to be getting much sleep. When I woke up I quickly got ready, my ex--the father of my two girl--helped get us all ready and drove me there. The drive felt like it took forever and it was awkwardly silent. I didn't know what to say and he didn't know what to say to me. All I knew was that the nausea that has been plaguing me for the last 6 weeks so strongly would be gone very soon.

When we arrived there were people with signs outside saying "abortion stops a heartbeat, abortion is murder, etc", but honestly it didn't faze me at all nor did it make me second guess my choice. I was dropped off outside and went in alone as obviously children can't be there. I took an elevator up to the fifth floor and was then greeted by a security officer. I had to state that I had an appointment and he told me which door to enter and to buzz in on the phone. Once through the next set of doors, there was a small waiting room, maybe 20 chairs and a TV. There was already a teary eyed girl and her friend sitting there. We didn't speak or acknowledge one anothers presence. As I was waiting and waiting more women and their support person kept filing in. I was shocked at how busy this place was. I had no idea. Once my name was called I felt a little more nervous, but proud of myself that I came this far already. This older lady, a nurse, took me to the pre-abortion counselling room. It was an even smaller room with 4 chairs in a circle around a table. There was a plastic tupperware container with all kinds of birth control methods in it, panflets with information, a jug with ice water and then the little paper cup filled with pills I had to take. She asked me the basic medical history questions and then asked me on a range of 0-10, zero being totally don't want the abortion to 10 being 100% sure where I was standing. I said 10 and I was being truthful. I was just trying to concentrate on swallowing all 10 of those pills without throwing up. We discussed the procedure and I asked her any questions I had then we proceeded to the next room across the hallway.

It looked like a small sized recovery room. Four beds lay side by side seperated with a curtain. There were already 2 girls in the first bed and I went to the third. I sat there for a few minutes and was given a hospital skirt to put on with nothing underneath. I was told to have a pad and panties in the pocket of the skirt so that after the procedure the nurse could help me put it on. I changed and layed back in my bed. I had my IV put in and was given a magazine to read. It was so quiet in there. I watched both the girls ahead of me come and go out the door. They were maybe gone 10 minutes at the most. One of them was with her boyfriend who was crying both before they went in and when they returned. The second was a girl alone who was quite shaken up after with pain and feeling dizzy.

Soon it was to be my turn. When my name was called a nurse came and got me, she led me to this room that was fairly dark, mood lighting I suppose. There was an ultrasound machine, the suctioning device, some other equipment, a stereo, the bed with stirrups and a mobile with giraffes on it above. They helped me lay down on this bed, which was warm to the touch and felt relaxing. At this point I was nervous and shaken, just wanting it to be over. The doctor did a quick ultrasound to confirm how many weeks I was, she said I was 10 weeks 5 days pregnant. I was glad the ultrasound was facing away from me; even though a tiny part of me wanted to see it I knew I shouldn't.

The nurse then put something in my IV and that intense feeling struck me right away. It felt like some hit of a strong drug; I was instantly in a state of euphoria and my body felt weightless and relaxed. Immediately she started dialating my cervix which hurt quite a bit and started immediate painful cramping. The suction started and I was so worried about hearing that noise beforehand, but in reality that medicine didn't really allow me to think about it much. The cramping worsened and I nearly jumped out of the stirrups with the sharp pain it caused. The nurse touched my hand and helped show me to breathe in with my nose and out with my mouth, repeating over and over. I was holding my breath which I guess intensifies the pain. It hurt, I'm not going to lie, but the pain part only lasted maybe a minute, maybe two at the most? I had an IUD put in place to prevent such a thing from happening again. Then she did a quick ultrasound again when the noise stopped to make sure the baby and all its parts were out. She sat me up and helped put my panties on and pad in place.

I was shakey and sore when walking back to my bed. But it felt as though I had a smile on my face, I felt such a huge, and I mean huge weight lifted off my shoulders. There were no tears shed, there was no doubt. I knew and this just confirmed it that I did the right thing. I said to myself that very moment that I wasn't sorry. I looked at the clock, I hadn't even been in the room for 10 minutes and already they called the fourth girl to go in. She had given me a brief nod when I walked back to my bed it was a silent way of comforting it seemed. She was also gone only a few minutes and by the time she was settled back in her bed I was told to go to the washroom and check the amount of flow I was having. I was barely bleeding at that point but the cramps were still pretty bad and I felt tender and bruised inside. The nurse took my IV out and wished me good luck and I left the recovery room. I walked through the door to the waiting room I thought I was busy before, this time it was nearly full, maybe one or two empty chairs. It felt as though everyone was looking at me to see my expression, to see how they may be feeling within a short time.

I walked out of the clinic to see my two beautiful girls waiting for me and their dad with them. We walked to the car a ways and I was pretty crampy. I had to have help getting in the vehicle. The drug they put in the IV had worn off and I was in more pain than I was when I was in the clinic, but still relieved. The drive was long, and quiet again. I came home and rested in bed with my heating pad on my tummy and ibuprofren in my system. I called the biological father who was out of town at the time and told him I did it and we talked about how I was feeling. He said he was sorry he wasn't there, but I'm sort of glad I did this alone. I think it worked positively for me at least.

It has been a couple days since my abortion now, I'm still bleeding like a heavy period and the cramping comes and goes depending on how active I've been; but I am happy. I am glad that I made the choice to have my baby go to heaven and become an angel instead of being someone I may have grown to resent. I am not sorry, I am thankful that I had this option presented to me and that I had the courage to do what was right for me. By the way, I forgot to mention above, I am 24 years old.

Thanks for being there, INS--your stories are very inspiring and I hope that my story will help another woman out there.