I am Jennifer, 31 years old and I had an abortion yesterday. My story is a lot like the others except for one thing; I am 5’2 feet tall and weigh about 300 pounds. I searched all over the net before my abortion for information on ‘obesity’ and ‘abortion’ because I was terrified that I would feel more pain, or be in danger of anesthetic, or feel humiliated due to my size. I found this site while doing that and it was amazingly helpful but did not find anything that really answered my questions. I am writing this with the hope that it is posted so that other large women can have more information (if only anecdotal).

I have always been pro-choice. I have some very good friends and we always talked about how we believe that abortion should be legal but avoided as much as possible (contraception should be first). I was always the ‘smart one’ of my group. A month before I got pregnant I lectured my friend for fooling around before having him put a condom on. I know that pre-seminal fluid has sperm in it and she ended up taking Plan B after talking to me. So, two months later when I told her I was pregnant she was blown away. “If it can happen to you,” she said “It can happen to anybody”. Well, yes it can happen to anybody.

Anybody was me one Friday night I met my friend and a local bar and I’d had a rough week. I drank more than usual. I ended up talking with this guy who I’d seen before a few times but had never been interested in. He is 15 years older than me, had 3 illegitimate children and was a grandfather already! I kept on drinking and it eventually got so he drove me and instead of going home to my bed alone we ended up home in his bed. I hadn’t had sex in over a year prior to that and I would never have slept with him sober. We used a condom but I didn’t watch him pull out at the end so I’m thinking there was a break and he didn’t tell me. So, as far as I knew, I’d had sex once, with protection, and wasn’t worried about pregnancy at all. I figured I could consider it a learning experience about how alcohol makes you do stupid things. Four weeks later I had had period cramps for 2 weeks and sore boobs. I figured I was just late but after reading that cramps were also I pregnancy sign I bought a test “just to make myself feel better”. That vertical blue line sure did not make me feel better!

I am older and employed, but do not have any money for emergencies. I know there is adoption but, with my size, I know there is a greater likelihood of premature births, problem pregnancies, and possibly a disabled child. In the future, if I want to have a child, I expect to deal with those issues and to be prepared to be responsible and love any child. To abandon a child like that for adoption would be guilt I would not get over. I am pro-choice regardless of the situation but I have to mention this line of thinking because I feel it’s important to stress any extra worries I have as an overweight woman. I called a local women’s clinic and made an appointment. I told them my size and because of that I waited until I was 5 and a half weeks along before going in as they didn’t know if they’d be able to see anything on the ultrasound.

Emotionally I was a complete wreck until I broke down and told my friend. She was great (if blown away) and offered to drive me to the procedure. I think that dealing with things like this can only get better if you tell the right people. It really is true that a problem shared is a problem halved and I am so glad to have friends like her. I was also terrified because anesthetics I’d had in the past (i.e. for dental surgeries) never seemed to work and I felt it was due to my weight. I find even pap smears to be quite painful and I was terrified that I would either have not enough anesthetic and feel a lot of pain, or have too much, and risk my health.

The clinic is staffed by only women and is probably one of the best places in the world you can go to for an abortion. There were no protesters but you could tell they’d had problems as I had to be buzzed in and their address was not given until you had an appointment. There were about 5 other women in the waiting room, three of them with boyfriends and another two of us on our own. The only thing to read were fashion magazines like Vogue and Elle, and it was gratifying to see a nervous boyfriend pick up a magazine and flip through for a few minutes before he even realized what he was reading and tossed it down quickly. We had to fill out 3 forms that you could tell were used for statistics but they asked twice if we were sure, and they also asked about birth control. We also had to promise not to drive home. One thing that really calmed me was that about 3 women just walked out looking fine. I thought they were staff members until I noticed one had bed head. I was called in about 10 minutes after finishing the paperwork and paying $60 for anesthetic.

We were told to bring our own long shirt which was great because regular hospital gowns don’t fit me. I got called in about 5 minutes after my form was done. They had the pre counseling where the counselor had me take a painkiller/relaxer and again asked if I was sure about my decision. She also asked me what birth control I would be taking. I told her my fear about pain and anesthetics and being overweight. She explained that along with the pill I’d just taken, they’d give me laughing gas and a shot of a narcotic that would be based upon my weight. She explained the entire procedure and showed me the tube they’d use. It was about a quarter of an inch or .5cm in diameter. I was then told to strip down to the shirt I’d brought, socks, and panties. I waited in a room just off the change-room and was called in 5 minutes later.

The procedure terrified me but that was because of my own nerves. There was a nurse and two female doctors. They asked me to scoot right down and there were these cushioned, under-the-knees stirrups. To be honest I felt rushed at this point because the minute I was flat on my back with my big belly exposed and they looked at me and said “I don’t know if we’ll be able to see anything.” They put the jelly on my stomach and with some uncomfortable pressure I myself saw a little circle on the screen. Then I was told to hold the nitrous mask over my mouth. I tried to talk about how I was scared and they injected me in the arm. The drugs had just kicked in when I felt the speculum. They then put a shot of something numbing in my cervix. I could tell what they were doing but it didn’t hurt. I then heard the suction of the vacuum thing and felt a bit uncomfortable. It felt like a really bad cramp so I basically concentrated on the high feeling and being relieved that this was the worst. It was over in less than 2 minutes (maybe even 1). They put a pad over my crotch and put my underwear on for me. I was then escorted to the waiting area.

There were 5 seats and four of them had women who looked pretty good and I felt jealous that they’d had it so easy. I felt shaky and sweaty and dizzy. The nurse told me to eat cookies and have water. I forced a cookie down and tried not to faint. I also took the offered Tylenol for cramps. The nurse chatted a bit and talked to us each in turn about birth control and as a group about after care. By the time she was done I realized I felt pretty much normal and ate more cookies (about 15 minutes). The woman after me came in with tears in her eyes and that’s when I realized that I hadn’t cried all day. The nurse mentioned that since the woman after me hadn’t wanted the painkiller injection her recovery would be better. She was the only one I saw cry and 15 minutes of dizziness and almost nil pain is highly preferable to what I imagine that woman went through. Five minutes later though she said “I feel so good not to be pregnant,” and the joy in her eyes was very heartwarming. Pretty soon I was the annoying one because I was fine and chatting a lot so the nurse took my blood pressure and told me I was good to go.

The room had been cold (this is Toronto in January) and my teeth were chattering when I went back to get my clothes. The girl waiting there looked terrified and asked me if I was okay and if I’d barfed. I explained that I was fine, that it was way better than I’d expected and that I was just cold. She looked very relieved after that.

I’d expected to go home crying, cramping and bleeding, but instead told my friend that we should do lunch, so we did. I told her that I would never ever want to do this again, that it was not fun, but that I do not feel scarred from the experience.

I know this is very long, but I feel that everything shared has a purpose. I said before that this was probably the best place to have an abortion in the world and I mean it. Everyone was respectful, they did not judge, but they also made sure we all had birth control plans before we left. My abortion was on January 19, 2008 the last day of George W. Bush’s presidency and I will always associate it with getting rid of unwanted things. I think that abortion should be legal and painless and I am not sorry!