I'm a mom. I have a wonderful son and an amazing husband. I also suffer from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I've worked very hard to get myself in a position where life is enjoyable again and I didn't spend my days on the couch scared and depressed. I can be an active participant in my life and the life of those I love.

My cycles were somewhat regular at 35 days and I generally ovulated around day 19 of my cycle. I had gone through fertility treatments unsuccessfully almost two years ago so I never thought I would just be able to pop up pregnant. At this point in my life I did not want another child. I had just recovered from a nervous breakdown the year before and knew that I had to focus on being well and caring for my son. Imagine my shock when, after having sex ONE TIME with my husband on the 13th day of my cycle that I was pregnant. My first words were complete profanity and immediately after came the hysterical crying and the panic attacks. I spent the next week doing nothing but laying on the couch in my pajamas, completely unable to care for myself or my son. The depression was unbearable and I knew 100% that I needed to have an abortion. I couldn't subject myself or my family to this for the next nine months and couldn't handle bringing a child into the world that I couldn't care for or give the best possible life.

My husband wanted the child and felt (rather naively) that i could pull through it and everything would be okay. He's the eternal optimist and caregiver and thinks he can fix anything. I knew that this wouldn't be fixed the way he wanted it to. He asked that I give it a couple of weeks to really think it through and that he would support me no matter what my decision was.

I did wait the two weeks and I did give it a lot of thought but I always came to the same conclusion. I had to have the abortion. No amount of shopping or thinking of baby names made me want to have a child. I felt 100% confident in my decision. I was upset with the situation in that I couldn't be strong enough or well enough to be happy for this opportunity.

The day before my procedure was scheduled, I freaked out. I was terrified about the procedure and thought for sure I was going to die. My old Catholic ways were creeping in making me think that it would be my punishment for doing something so horrible. Having severe health anxiety doesn't help and I just was feeling awful. My husband came home from work and told me everything was going to be okay and he knew I would come through fine and not have any complications. It was amazing how those simple words from him made me feel so much better. I took a Xanax that night before bed and managed to get some sleep.

I woke in the morning not at all panicked but anxious to get it over with. I wasn't scared, just slightly nervous. We got up, got ready for the day and my husband dropped me off at the clinic and then took my son to school. When I arrived I was buzzed in and there were already three other women there. I filled out the paperwork and waited for about 15 minutes to be called back into the other waiting room. I had my urine test, finger prick and then my ultrasound all in about 15 minutes. At this point my husband had returned but had to wait in the other waiting room. I did get to say hi to him and grab a newspaper from him. I eventually didn't need it. The ultrasound went well but she said that I was only measuring 6 weeks 2days which was weird because I was 8 weeks according to my LMP and when I know that I conceived (considering we had sex one freaking time). With my son I always measured ahead and part of me thinks that maybe the fetus wasn't thriving. I had also noticed that the excruciating pain in my breasts and the nausea was completely gone since yesterday. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better but it just seemed like something was off.

Almost immediately after my ultrasound I was brought back for payment (a whopping $25 thanks to insurance) and asked to sign some more paperwork and then I was brought back to the recovery room. There were 5 women in the room already. Two women had already had their procedure done and one was visibly distressed. I felt horrible for her. Another woman was waiting like I was and was crying and clearly distraught. I felt horrible because although I was nervous I didn't feel like crying. I guess I was so comfortable with my choice that I had become okay with it. The nurses were wonderful. They came and gave me gowns to change into and sat me in a comfy chair with a blanket. They started an IV even though I was only having a local. This was for a basic saline and to give pitocin later. One by one the women went in and I knew that I was next so I took a Xanax to calm my nerves a bit. After awhile it was my turn.

I walked into the room and really started to be nervous. The nurse got me onto the table and put my legs in the holders and requested the "scooch". She told me to focus on my breathing and sit perfectly still since I was only having a local. The doctor came in and assured me it would be quick and I would be okay. This was when I started tearing up a bit and thinking that I was sorry that I couldn't be a good mommy to this child. After that the pain took over and I was focused on that. It was very, very painful. I get horrible menstrual cramps and have given birth to a child and I have to say this was way worse than that. I did have an epidural for childbirth but the contractions before that point weren't as bad as this. The speculum insertion was painful. The shots to the cervix didn't hurt and the aspiration didn't hurt very badly either but the dilation was excruciating. I almost made him stop and give me something in my IV. Thankfully it was over quickly. It took less than 5 minutes. After the speculum was out I had pretty bad cramps but nothing worse than my period. I was able to walk to back to recovery.

I sat in recovery for about 45 minutes. I had cramps and felt really warm but they gave me ice packs for my stomach and my neck. I felt better after about 20 minutes. At that point they had me go to the bathroom to change and to check my bleeding which there was little of. Kind of similar to the early days of my period. I wasn't sad and I wasn't anxious about complications and I was just ready to go home. I was eventually released and met my husband in the lobby. We went to McDonald's and I had the best sweet tea of my life. I got home, ate and took some Advil. The cramps went away right away and my bleeding has been minimal. I called a couple of friends to let them know I was okay and I'm just going to chill out and rest.

I do not at all regret my decision and I'm not feeling any sadness or anxiety about it. My husband has been wonderful and I know that this is just the beginning of good things for us. I vow to get my mental condition under control so that if this ever happens again I won't need to get an abortion. I wish everyone in this difficult decision peace and hope and wishes for a speedy recovery.