I have always been the one that all my friends, family, classmates, and even strangers have looked up to. I’ve dedicated all my life to helping others in their times of need whether it was volunteering with the Red Cross, Firefighting, writing grants to fund underserved community projects etc. However, when I was 19 (I’m now 24) I became pregnant. In this moment, I was in need. I needed somewhere to turn, I was the one needing help and guidance. For the first time, I was no longer the provider, but I was the needy. I knew that I had to have an abortion. It was not an option. I was in college, poor, and from a very strict family (Korean). After the abortion I cried in shame and in guilt because of what I had done. I hurt both emotionally and physically for a long time. Although I rationally made a decision for the best, I couldn’t help but think about what kind of “role model” I really was. Just to let you know a tidbit of fact before I go on, you should know that I’m on a medication that causes any type of hormonal birth control to have no effect. I have tried to get my tubes tied, I have gone to counseling about birth control and my physician says that the only thing I can do is use condoms or a diaphragm. Well, I have been pregnant FOUR times…I have had an abortion FOUR times. I’ve done it with and without the extra pain medication. Some times it hurt like hell and I literally screamed and cringed while other times it was just an uncomfortable feeling. I’ve cramped and I have had large blood clots (Raleigh, NC), while other times I have walked out of there and never cramped nor bled more than a spot or two (Richmond, VA). Sometimes it has taken me several weeks to get back on my feet while other times I have been ready to run a marathon the next day…..It hurts me to say this. It hurts me to read it and to relive it. It hurts me to see babies or watch TV and see things like babies being delivered, etc. Do you want to know what is most shocking of all? Although it hurts me, I know it hurts because I am only human. It hurts because of the stigma and labels put on women who choose to terminate their pregnancies. Especially as a role model. Do I regret it? Not at all. I graduated with a very complex and difficult degree, did two years of stem cell research, 5 yrs working on critical care ambulances, was a firefighter, National Collegiate Honor Student, President of medical organizations, shut down a company in a major law suit for discrimination, have been a voice amongst several state and federal organizations about citizens rights, I’m a highly sought after speaker and I’m about to go to medical school which will shortly be followed by law school. I have no regrets at all. I am destined to change lives. To change the face of medicine and policy. This is my passion and my love. This is my ‘child.’ Just because I have no desire to become a mom figure, or stay at home with my children does not mean I should be looked down upon nor feel any shame for wanting something else. I have nothing against women who choose to have children and stay home (or even work). After all, my mother is my biggest hero. She is a stay at home mom, but she did not have the option of abortion being fresh off the boat from Korea and not speaking a lick of English many years ago. I am thankful that I do have that option. Without the freedom of choice I would not have been able to help, literally, thousands of people. God Bless America for allowing me not to be sorry.
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