I'm sixteen years old, I was finishing up my sophomore year in high school and making all the wrong choices. I had been to rehab earlier this year but I was back into drugs full swing, hanging around with a lot of destructive people and messing around for no reason. I had just lost my virginity to some guy I barely knew, that bullied me into having sex with him. I felt cheap because I was kind of with someone who I keep falling in and out of love with. This was during the out phase.

I felt like the way to redemption, to making my body feel like it was mine again was to erase that terrible sexual experience into a good one. I wanted to hook up with an old flame. I knew he didn't love me but I didn't care and we had sex without any contraceptive whatsoever. He didn't even pull out. But I figured hey, how unlucky can I be?

I told my partner about the first guy, but never the second. I don't think I ever will. I believe in honesty, I really do but I care about him so much and I don't want to hurt him with that. It's something that he never needs to know. He knows about the pregnancy, but I asked him not to ask me too much about it.

Since I had got my period after the first time I had sex, when my next period never came and I had a positive home pregnancy test I knew exactly who the father was. As I mentioned above, abortion was the choice I had always known I would make, so I barely thought about WHAT I would do, simply how I would do it. But as time wore on I began to FEEL pregnant. Funny I had some of these signs before, but since I didn't know until I was 6 weeks I didn't attribute them to pregnancy. My pain didn't make me eager to end it though, it made me feel an urge to continue. Something in me was crying out and I was feeling so many different things. I tossed around the idea of having a child and raising it. However ultimately, I decided abortion was the best choice for me.

Why? For many reasons. The first was that I was only sixteen years old. I knew the father of my child would never, ever be a competent parent and that if I was going to do this it would be ME and me alone. Then I had to consider what kind of life I could give my child. He/She would never have everything they need and none of what they want, I'm a teenager in high school. I can't support my child financially or emotionally or physically. I had already abused my child in the womb by taking drugs and drinking, not to mention smoking cigarettes constantly. Another thought was of my mother. She's getting married on August 7th, she's been very sick (Crohn's disease) and we're financially strained as it is. I could not let my family suffer for my mistakes as well. I thought about my partner, the man who had been there for me for years, always accepting me, always loving me no matter what I did. Right now I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sure I'm young and things could change, but I knew how he would feel if I were to be a mother to some other man's child. He would love me and accept me but it would be a hurt that would never leave him and I didn't want to do that to him. I even thought about the man who got me pregnant. He was 21 and I was 16. If he didn't go to jail HIS life would still be ruined. I know many people probably think "Who CARES about him?" I care enough to not want to ruin his life. Finally, I thought about me. About my hopes and dreams of having a comfortable life and being the best mother possible. I knew that I could never become the woman I was destined to be if I had a child now.

So I cried and I cried. But I connected with my child. I said to her "I'm sorry that I have to do this to you now. I'm honored that you chose me to be your mother and I want you to know that I do love you more than anything else. I love so much that I want you to have the best possible life that I can give you, a good home, two stable, wonderful parents, a healthy body that has not already been abused by drugs and alcohol and anything you want or need emotionally and financially. I know that you'll watch over me and help me make all the right choices so that when you're ready to come back to me I can be the best mother in the world." That's how I said goodbye and since then the only bad feelings I had about my abortion were my own fears. How would I feel during the procedure? Would it hurt? How about after? Would I feel empty or relieved? I rehashed these thoughts over and over again.

But to my surprise my abortion experience was very positive. My friend's grandmother agreed to drive me and the day of the abortion I woke up at 9:00am and took a shower and dressed myself in a Tinkerbell t-shirt and comfy gray pants. I was very, very nervous and I didn't care that I couldn't eat. I went to the store and purchased some flowers for my friend's grandmother and walked over to her house where she was waiting. She loved the flowers and was very VERY kind to me through the entire ride over. We picked my friend up at work and we all chit chatted in the car until we got to Planned Parenthood. Outside there were protesters, screaming and yelling and acting like lunatics. I think that people have a right to believe what they want but I don't agree with antagonizing women in front of clinics. They didn't bother me at all, in fact they only encouraged me. I don't believe the most precious gift you can give someone is life. I believe that it's freedom. The freedom to choose what to do with our bodies and the freedom that comes with a life free of emotional and financial strain.

It was crowded inside Planned Parenthood and soon they called me into a separate waiting area. My friend was allowed to come with me and I paid for everything then we waited a little longer for a counselor to come get me. She was really nice and we joked a lot and she explained everything in a way that made me very comfortable. Then I had my temperature taken and I was led into the procedure room. All my feelings of anxiety and nervousness rushed back to me. But I changed into a little gown and put the blanket thing over my lap and sat in the chair. Soon a man named Dr. Prince came in and we exchanged some "what's up's" and he left for a bit. Then a female nurse and another doctor came in. The second doctor (I never caught his name) started talking to me immediately. "What's your name?” "Where do you go to school?" and so on. I watched him prepare my sedation as he talked to me and I didn't look when he stuck the needle in my arm. Soon after that he was asking me if I could say "I am not a fig seller and neither is my father but I will sell figs until the fig seller comes." three times fast. I looked at him funny because I felt like I couldn't open my mouth and when I did all that came out was "fig...sell.....sell.....fig...sell..." then I felt a pinch! I honestly didn't know that he had finished the ultrasound but I assumed he was putting the speculum in and I said "what are you doing?" and he said "Lift your butt forward a little bit and I tried to but I was little woozy and he said "No honey, those are your legs." so he helped me a little. But before I could know it Dr. Prince was telling the other doctor and the nurse a joke which I was trying to listen to but I didn't catch much of and then the doctors got up and left and the nurse helped me put my underwear on and in a flash I was in the wheelchair. I didn't know they were doing my abortion when they were doing it!!! I was woozy from the medicine but so relieved! I was scared to tears every night over that?

I was wheeled into a recovery room with some other girls. One of them was perky like me and the other too were woozy and very sleepy. The other girl and I talked a little bit and I talked to the nurses. They took my pulse and my blood pressure a few times but it was noticeable that I was feeling fine. So about half hour later they let me get dressed and go home. My friend came and got me and then we went to 7-11 and had slurpees. He grandmother picked us up and I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my friend and our other friend just like we always do. I even went to the mall (although, I think I should have rested a little more, now).

I am very lucky that I had such a positive experience with abortion. I've always been pro-choice, but when the choice was MINE to make it was the hardest decision in the world. I feel confident that I made a good choice, the right one for me and all the parties involved. I feel good.

I was afraid. How could I have not been? But for my, my fears were all false. I can't even explain how wonderful it feels to have a huge weight lifted from your shoulders and to be at peace with your decision. I only wish that other women were as lucky as I was to feel so positively about their decisions. It is a very trying time in our lives, to have an unplanned pregnancy and any feelings you have (positive or negative) are completely justified. No one can tell you how to feel!! But please, go to the people that care about you and ask them to help you because no matter what you do (abortion, adoption, keeping the baby -- whatever) or how you feel (sad, glad, angry, afraid) support is vital.

I wish everyone the best of luck no matter what their decision is. Remember to think about yourself in addition to everyone else that's involved. Ultimately though, I hope you do what's best for you. Don't ever think that YOU aren't worth it.