Jaclyn's Story

For years I have tried to erase the number of abortions I have had out of my head. It was like I was ashamed of myself and I never told anyone the true number. I grew up outside the United States and did not have the kind of medical attention that I would have had here in the US. Actually, my mother never took me to an ob-gyn and never discussed birth control with me.

When I first started having sex I used condoms because it was what I knew. I was afraid of pills thinking that they would make me fat or the shot would blow up my arm etc..

I first got pregnant at the age of 20, my 3rd year in college. The guy I was with was a college dropout and not my parents’ greatest fan so I was afraid. When I went to the abortion clinic I was sure this was what I wanted to do and they told me that the fetus had no heartbeat. I walked away almost happy but still sad.

I later met my now husband just as I graduated from college and was going off to an internship in Florida. I got pregnant and didn’t want this to ruin my chances so I decided to abort!
,p> Two years later we were married and a couple months later my now 3 1/2 year old son was born. Since my son was born in 2002 I have had 3 abortions.
,p> My husband became an abusive alcoholic who refused to work. I was trying to support the household on my own and it was frustrating. I tried to leave him so many times but I couldn’t. My childhood fear of the doctors kept me from seeing an ob-gyn and getting birth control.

My whole life was spinning out of control. I hated him and I believed in my heart that I would not bring a child into this mess of a marriage.

Why... it made absolutely no sense to me at all. < br>

Now a year later my husband is sober, working 6 days and back in school and I want to get pregnant. I miscarried a couple days ago at 9 weeks and it was quite possibly the saddest thing.

Now, more than ever I need the strength to look myself in the mirror and say its okay those past abortions were okay! I tell myself had I given birth to any of them maybe things might have been worse who knows all I know is at that point in time it was the right thing for me...

I have decided to make an appointment with an ob-gyn. I have tried to but lied in the past about the abortions thinking people will judge me but I realize that there is nothing to be ashamed of I did what I did and that is in the past.

The big truth comes when I tell the doctor maybe this will help me for the future. We plan to have 3 babies all together. Now we are at a stage in our lives where we have so much love for each other it feels good to have waited to bring a baby into a structured family filled with love.