But something went terribly wrong. After many months of therapy I decided to go off of my anti-depressants. I am a childhood cancer survivor and wanted to have a pregnancy that would leave as few risks as possibly to my baby's health. When I took the pregnancy test after only our second month of trying I was overwhelmed with a fear of dread. My depression came back full force and spent my days having 8 hour long panic attacks. I would sleep 4 hours and night and couldn't tell if I was suffering from the depression or morning sickness, I could only describe it as a flu-like exahustion that left me paralized. My husband and doctors told me to wait to see if the anti-depressants would help me start to think clearer, but the depression became worse and I became suicidal. I thought of throwing myself down stairs, I prayed for miscarriage, I stopped functioning. I had to make a decision, save myself or save this pregnancy.

I chose to have an abortion yesterday. My regular ob/gyn doesn't do them and for the first time in my life I felt judged by a physician. I went with a recommendation from another doctor and had the procedure under local with some klonopin from my shrink to relax me. I cant say it was a pleasant experience, but the procedure took less than 10 minutes. Some cramping, but the nurse held my hand and told me it was almost over. My doctor even hugged me afterwards and my husband fed me cookies and watched over me at home. I even told a man in the clinic who was waiting for his girlfriend that it would be ok. Even though I grew up in a very pro-choice household this was still the toughest decision I've ever made.

Today I am relieved. I have to believe that this baby was not meant to be. How else could I explain my rejection of it. To all the other women out there who are scared of the procedure, I have been through much worse. In fact, the seven weeks of wanting to die and wishing I wasn't pregnant couldn't even compare to the relief I feel today. I hope this helps anyone out there. Pro-child, Pro-Choice.