I called my aunt to share the news and she asked me if I was ready to be a mother. I lied and told her that I thought I was and could deal with it. She said that if I ever felt I wasn’t ready, she would support me in an abortion. She said she would support me in either choice I made, but she wanted me to know that abortion was a choice I could make if I wanted to. I said “no” to the abortion, mainly because that was the first time I had really been faced with the abortion issue and I felt like the right thing to do was keep the baby or the rest of the world would hate me, but I didn’t tell her that part.

Within days of the conversation I got morning sickness so bad that I didn’t leave the bathroom floor for a week. I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t answer the door, and I didn’t eat. I made an appointment with WIC to get to a doctor, but that was 6-8 weeks away – I was certain that I would be dead by the time I got to a doctor. I chose not to go to the emergency room because I knew I couldn’t pay the bill. That was when I remembered the right to have an abortion. I told my husband about it and he said that he was thinking that abortion was a good idea, but he didn’t want to say anything to me for fear of making me mad. So, I called my Aunt and told her I changed my mind. She took me to the clinic, she waited for me in the waiting room, and she took me home. She was supportive, she was loving, and she was my savior when I had no one to let me know that abortion was OK.

The morning sickness stopped in 24 hours and I felt immediate relief. When I looked back, I realized how much internal feelings surround abortion and pregnancy that go unspoken for fear of non-acceptance from the outside world. Thinking this was the end of my encounters with abortions, I went on with my life.

When I turned 22, I got pregnant again only this time was with my second husband whom I am still with today (I am 29 by the way and still enjoy my choice to not be a mother). I knew I was pregnant because it felt just like the first time and it was an accident like the first time as well. I got the free pregnancy test again and when it came back positive, I lied to the nurse and told her I wouldn’t get an abortion. I left the clinic angry and disappointed. I thought that I was going to be responsible this time and not get an abortion, but I got sick again. Really sick - I laid on the floor again for 2 weeks, I vomited everywhere, I couldn’t keep fluids down, and I couldn’t go to work. I decided then that I wanted another abortion. I told my husband and he said he would support me no matter what choice I made. He just didn’t want to see me in so much pain anymore. So I made the appointment and my husband took me to the abortion clinic and again, I felt a complete sense of relief.

I later found out that the reason I had been getting so sick with both pregnancies is because I am RH Negative. I could have gotten a shot and had both the babies in peace. Knowing this news, most people think “what a tragedy”. But I think “what a blessing!” You see, I didn’t have the inner security and strength to stand up for what I really wanted. I was afraid of what people would think of me if I had an abortion. I didn’t want either pregnancy, I couldn’t afford it, and I wanted to do other things in my life that would demand a lot of my time. Time I wasn’t willing to give up raising children. The sickness I felt gave me what I really wanted when I couldn’t do it for myself.

I have come to terms with my true inner desires and I am not ashamed to say that I had 2 abortions and I’m not sorry! I feel that the real tragedy is that women feel they need to hide their true feelings about pregnancy and parenthood for fear that people will hate them for being that way.

Be strong, stand up for what you want and be not ashamed! Your beauty and worth as a woman isn’t determined by whether you choose to have an abortion or be a mother. It isn’t determined by the rest of the world. It is determined by YOU, the real YOU. Be honest and trust yourself, it is worth it every step of the way!