I was 14 and so extremely stupid. My boyfriend and I had just broken up, and I was "on the rebound." 14 year olds should not be having sex, I know, by the way. Like I said--stupid. I had my eye on a much older guy. 22, in fact. At no time did I really think that I would be successful in getting him to sleep with me. It was the wanting and the trying that was fun for me. I overestimated his morals, and found myself in his bed. I was having my period at the time, but the bleeding was so light that I guess he didn't mind. We had no condoms. I knew in the back of my mind that I hadn't been taking my pills regularly for the past few weeks. If I had been smart, I would have insisted that we wait until we had a condom, or at least until I was back on my pills. I was not smart. I thought that this was my only shot- if I turned him away this time, he would never want me again. I was so desperate for affection. So we had unprotected sex, and did several more times over the next few days, including Halloween. I think I had that "It can't happen to me" mentality, as well as the "you can't get pregnant while you're having your period." He and I stopped seeing each other, and my boyfriend and I got back together.
A few weeks before Christmas, I started feeling sick all the time. I confessed to my mother that I thought I might be pregnant, and she bought me a test. Even after it came out positive, I was in denial. But soon I was so sick I could barely move. Couldn't get off the couch. Even swallowing my own saliva would make me dry heave. I lost nearly 30 pounds in two weeks. I told myself that if I couldn't get an abortion, I was going to cut it out myself. Luckily, my mother was very understanding. She tried to convince me to have the child, give it up for adoption, or give it to her to raise. But I was 14, and I knew I couldn't have a baby. I was in very poor health, and I didn't want to do that to my body. The insurance company would cover a portion of the costs, but only if we had it done an hour and a half away at a hospital of their choice.
The day after Christmas my father and I drove down there and I signed some papers, had some blood drawn, and had a plug inserted into my cervix. Then we went home. Overnight, the plug expanded and dilated my cervix for the procedure the next day. The next morning my father and I went back, this time accompanied by my boyfriend. I'm not sure if my parents ever found out that the baby wasn't his, but he knew. When we got there I signed more papers, and then it was show time. They gave me a sedative shot that didn't knock me out, just made me feel very... loopy. There were comics pasted to the ceiling, and I remember being frustrated that I couldn't read them because my eyes wouldn't focus. The procedure hurt, but it wasn't unbearable. It lasted about 10 minutes, and my boyfriend held my hand the whole time. And then it was over. I have an Rh-negative blood type, so I had another shot and then sat in the recovery room for about a half an hour. We left, and the three of us went to my father's favorite Italian restaurant in the city. I had just enough time to order before I fell asleep at the table. They carried me to the car and continued their lunch—I didn't wake up until we got home, and I never found out what it was they talked about. But in all the hours I spent with my father going to and from appointments, he and I never discussed it once.
That was 6 years ago, and the only thing I regret was getting pregnant in the first place. I have never felt ashamed about my choice, no matter how hard people have tried to make me. I still consider it the best Christmas present I ever got. I have never felt guilty. And I most certainly am not sorry.
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