I have to be honest, this was a foolish mistake involving a lack of contraception...Condoms don't work very well with my partner and I (what happened on St Paddy's Day is pretty typical for us), so sometimes if there's an extremely low likelihood of pregnancy, we have unprotected sex. Turns out that I had conceived after having sex in the last few days of my last period.

I was reeling at first, and completely horrified, but I gave myself a week and a half to think about it. I've always been, despite my scorn for parental cooing and the breeder mentality, someone who has strong maternal feelings, and I've felt wistfully about having a child since I was about 17. Still, I made my decision in less than a day. When I contemplated motherhood, all I felt was sick panic, and I realized at that point that I would be completely comfortable choosing abortion for myself. My partner and I decided that medical would be best - I told close friends, who I live with, and I wanted to minimize my risk chances for future sterility as much as possible.

Two weeks later I drove myself to our local Planned Parenthood with my roommate's car (my partner had class). To be honest, I was really disappointed with the care at my PP. There were several small checkups that needed to be done before I took the pill (sign in, read and sign information forms, give my personal information, ultrasound, getting blood taken, cashier, medical history, and the counselor) but no one told me what to expect until the counselor did near the end. I felt like women were just expected to wait for their names to be repeatedly called, feeling like sheep, until it was all over.

Some of the information they gave me was out-of-date about how late along you could be to have the abortion pill, and how long you should abstain from certain activities (alcohol, exercise, inserting things into the vagina) after the abortion. It was really confusing for me, even having read up on parts of the procedure beforehand.

Additionally, some of the staff were really rushed and unfriendly. The ultrasound tech yelled at me for taking off a sweater before sitting in the stirrups, because she thought I was taking off my clothes. She showed a complete distaste for seeing parts of a woman's naked body, and had a really contemptuous attitude: "Wipe yourself off and put your clothes back on..." (it was a vaginal u/s). Finally, before I took the pill, I was told that when the doctor had left I was free to go. He arrived, rushed and hurried, but I had some questions for him. He answered them, and in a break in the conversation, I took the pill and he rushed out of the door. I sat there dazed for a few minutes, not really understanding whether he had really gone, and being angry that he couldn't even have said goodbye, and then I sat in the waiting room for my partner.

I started the abortion itself with the vaginal suppositories the next Saturday morning. Around 11:15 I took some preventative ibuprofen and one of the anti-nausea pills PP gave me with food. I was told to expect cramping within 30-45 minutes, but I inserted at 12, then slept till 3. After I started walking around, the cramps set in. They were worse than any period cramps, but weren't too bad until I got nauseous. I threw up, and was miserable for awhile, Elliott fluttering around feeling concerned and impotent. After about an hour, the nausea faded and the cramps got better, and I had Elliott cook me some food. I didn't use any anti-nausea medication or ibuprofen after that. At this point, my bleeding really started in earnest. While I didn't have any "lemon-sized clots" like some of the literature described, I could feel myself passing them, and was changing my deluxe overnight pads about once every hour or two. Later in the evening I got driven to a friend's house and watched a movie, and my cramps weren't that bad at all.

Sunday was similar, the bleeding slowed somewhat, and I spent most of the time watching TV, playing with my neighbor's cats, or reading. On Monday, though, I woke up with really painful cramps and was passing really large clots, so I stayed at home, played on the internet, and slept.

It's been two weeks since then, and I'm still bleeding. I actually stopped about 5 days ago, but overdid it somewhat on the exercise, and some of my clots came loose. When I found out I was pregnant I started eating red meat again, and I still am because of the amount of blood I'm losing. According to the follow-up, though, my abortion was successful and there's nothing to worry about.

I've been somewhat whiny since, and still expect my partner to be especially nice to me, but in all truth I'm feeling much better. My breasts aren't huge and sore anymore, I don't get nauseous if I go 3 hours without eating, and I'm very relaxed and comfortable with the choice I made. I told most of my close friends who are overtly pro-choice, and the ones I haven't are far away, so I'd rather tell them face-to-face. It's made me feel closer to several people, Elliott included. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to admit to them that I was stupid and didn't want them worrying (they donate to PP, so it wasn't the politics that concerned me). Some of my friends would be sad that I had an abortion, and I haven't told them, but I've made a choice not to lie about it either, and if they knew I don't think they would condemn me for it. Having an abortion hasn't really emotionally damaged me, that I can tell. I'm still really lazy and find it hard to get motivated to do work, and spend an unhealthy amount of time on abortion sites and communities, but perhaps that's part of the healing process. As before the abortion, I sometimes see infants and have a desire for a child, but that doesn't make me grieve for the possibility I just lost. When I am in a situation to be a better mother, I will be overjoyed to get the same news. But now was not the time, and I'm not sorry.