Ever since I was a young girl, I’d know that I didn’t like babies. At 14, I decided that I never wanted to be a mother and that I wanted to be sterilized as soon as possible. I of course met with the usual resistance (“You’re too young” “You’ll want kids” “Why ruin your body before you’re old enough to know what you want?”) even though my mother approved 100% and would have gladly given her consent. I spent my teenage years as a virgin as a result. I was petrified of having an “accident” because I feared the moment I did, a woman’s right to choose would be taken away and I’d be forced to have the baby. To this day this is still one of my number one fears.
I met Shawn (not his real name) shortly after my 20th birthday and we clicked right off. We talked about my views on marriage and children and I told him right off that I didn’t like children and didn’t want any. I also told him what my doctor had said about the increased health risks since I had kidney damage and a slightly curved spine. He seemed really understanding at the time. He confided in me that he was sterile and couldn’t have children anyhow. It really seemed like the perfect relationship.
Six months into the relationship, I ended up pregnant. Once really is all it takes. I already knew I was going to have it aborted, I decided the day I found out I was pregnant. It felt like I had a parasite inside of me, my body reacted horribly to the hormones leaving me unable to eat, drink or even sleep (REM sleep was impossible, I was violently nauseous and in horrid pain at all times). I never once thought about “the miracle of life”, all I knew was I was getting sicker and sicker with each passing day and that to survive, I needed that thing out of me. As it was, I was in a near coma state by the time enough time had passed to get the abortion, clearly “God” or whatever deity you believe in never intended me to bear children and I refuse to believe otherwise.
The minute the abortion was over, all the sickness left me. I started to cry realizing that I’d be able to eat, drink, sleep and enjoy myself again after six weeks of Hell...and I did just that, selfish as it sounds. I’ve never once regretted the choice I made. I don’t sit and think about the “child” that I “lost”. I know damn well that I would have been dead long before nine months were over either from complications or by my own hand (anyone who thinks that a woman can bear tremendous pain 24/7 and not want to die is nuts). I also know I’m not fit to be a parent, I don’t like babies, I don’t have a “maternal” urge to care for children. I ended up dumping Shawn for his lie. He, unlike me, couldn’t deal with the fact that it was my body, my choice and that I felt no guilt.
Four years later I was finally approved for a tubal ligation thanks in part to my having the abortion. It stood out as proof that I didn’t want a child and that I was capable of making my own decisions.
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