I went to Planned Parenthood and confirmed my worst fears, and we never even discussed bring the pregnancy to term. We discussed options about money, payment plans, when to show up, and how long I would need to take off from work and school.

About 8 weeks later I had that ... that thing inside of me destroyed and removed. I remember sitting in the waiting room, being surrounded by so many different faces. The librarian of my college, and her daughter. Two giggly blonde girls wearing sorority sweatshirts. And an older couple, the woman clutching the man's hand, and looking very scared. Single young women. My best friend and I ... one by one they left, and then it was my turn. The only part of the procedure that hurt was the needle poking me, to numb my cervix ... then there was a noise, like a dustbuster, a doctor telling me that it was over, and one lone tear that ran down my face ... a tear of so many emotions. I then dressed and sat in a room with about 5 other girls, recovering. I found out that I was Rh negative, and was given an Rh ID card that I still carry with me in my wallet. We were all given goody bags filled with condoms, informational packets, and various other things. a nurse checked to see how much we were bleeding - I actually felt proud because after an hour, there was no blood on MY pad ...

I went home and slept and cried and laughed over the pictures of my ultrasound that was taken the day before the termination and cried some more. And was angry. And then accepted what I had done, and I致e never looked back.

Yes, I did have the abortion for myself. I never would have graduated from college. I never would have found the wonderful man I知 engaged to marry. I would be the mommy of a 3-year-old child. I had a feeling that it would have been a boy, I had always thought of "it" as a "him".

Unfortunately, I would have despised him. because of what made him - an act of hate, of control, of disrespect ... who wants a mommy that hates you? I know I wouldn't ... I would not have been able to give him up for adoption - imagine that story at the family reunions "hey, where's that baby you were carrying around?" reply - "oh, I gave him up, he's the spawn of rapist DNA, I want nothing to do with him" - unfair to that child, I know, to portray his possible future like that ... but who can gaze at the face of a child that resembles the man who raped you? I admit that I知 not strong enough to do it. And I couldn't face the possibility that if I gave him up, he might find me ... I believe that souls come and go. Instead of subjecting this soul to a life of always just getting by, always not having enough, I let it go somewhere happier, to a more pleasant place. If that soul was meant to be my child, it will come back to me when we're both ready. Maybe I had a lesson to learn - that I was strong enough - that I am in control of my body, even if some man thinks he can hurt me ... I知 still not sure ... But I am sure of one thing - that I知 not sorry.

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