My only contact with “women’s” magazines comes when I am standing in the check-out line at the supermarket. I can normally resist the siren call of the brightly colored covers with headlines like “Lose Five Pounds This Weekend!” above a picture of a elaborately decorated cake, or the burning need to know that Jessica Simpson is absolutely NOT divorcing Nick Lachey (whew, that’s a relief). Last night, however, my eye was caught by the current issue of Redbook, with a perfectly airbrushed Brooke Shields and her perfectly airbrushed toddler on the cover. The cover blurb read something like “Brooke reveals her secret struggle with motherhood.” Since the lady in front of me seemed to think she was at a Turkish bazaar and thus was haggling with the teenage cashier over every item in her overflowing cart, I knew I had time to kill and picked up the magazine.
Long story short–after her daughter’s birth two years ago, which came after a couple of miscarriages and finally IVF treatments, Brooke had major post-partum depression. She’s written a book about it, but the article probably hit all the highlights. Brooke says she heavily resented her daughter and often thought about having car accidents with the baby in the car or just outright killing her, but with therapy and drugs she’s “better” now and wants to have another baby, which Redbook twittered over approvingly.
With all the strides women have made in the world, the underlying message that’s sent to us is “it all means nothing unless you’re somebody’s mother.” All women, it is implied, long for the Holy Grail of femininity–the Baby. We are told that having a baby (and it’s never a child, always a baby) will be the ultimate fulfillment, the missing piece of the puzzle that is Complete Bliss. And so there are women who go to great and sometimes ridiculous lengths to get the prize … only to find that maybe they really didn’t want it. But if you say it–or even imply it–you are “unnatural.” After all, it’s a woman’s role to be a mother, right?
INS has received a few stories from women who wanted to be pregnant, got pregnant, then became overwhelmed at the thought of motherhood. Not just the jitters, but full-blown fear and panic. When they expressed this to family or friends, they were invariably told that it was “no big deal” and “it’ll be better when the baby arrives.” But all of them had the same thought–”what if it’s not better?” After their abortions, to a one they were relieved and confident that they made the right choice. Some of them went on to have children and figured that it was just a sign that they weren’t ready, which is fine. Some women are ready earlier than others. Some will never be ready, but won’t find out until it’s too late. That’s often seen in the women who reach a certain age or a certain pinnacle in their careers or lives and figure that a baby will just be the cherry on the Wonderful Life sundae. When it’s not, they blame themselves for not being “normal.”
And so, like Brooke Shields, they get therapy and drugs and are applauded when they are convinced that they want to do it again.
Because that’s our role, you know.
Well I happen to have stumbled upon this gem yesterday..
Hilton Wants Kids to Complete Her
Heiress Paris Hilton is determined to have children with Greek boyfriend Paris Latsis “in the next two years” – because she feels she has accomplished everything in life at the age of 24. The Simple Life star has only been dating the 22-year-old shipping heir since last December, but she insists she is in love and almost ready to start a family. Hilton says, “I want to have kids in the next two years because I know that completes your life. I’ve had so much fun, and had a great life. I’ve accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish and I think that when I have kids that’ll make me happier than I already am.”
Indeed…
Beautifully written. I agree wholeheartedly.
i saw brooke on oprah talking about her post partum depression. she suppossedly was on a bunch of meds for it and quit cold turkey (for some reason she was over confident and didnt realize that you need to slowly go off) and then she flipped out over her daughter worse than ever, ended up going back on, and eventually “warmed up” to ehr daughter. Don’t you think its a sign, that if you have to warm up to your child(not even on your own, but own meds), that you shouldnt be having anymore? and whast going to happen to her daughter she has now, once she stops talking her meds, so that she can get pregnant again? is she magically going to be cured without the meds now?
Webmaster, thanks for your post. The reason I’ve recently decided to go into therapy (counseling) is because I’m pushing 50 (oh gosh that really sucks…but I play ice hockey so it’s all good…) and I don’t have any children. I’ve had abortions. On one hand…my heart breaks that I did not have the opportunity to have children but on the other hand my life worked out the way it did…so why feel guilty? Women are human beings, not baby-producing machines. I knew at the time of my pregnancies that I was in no shape mentally, emotionally or financially to give birth and attempt to raise a child. It would have been a terrible injustice, that’s for sure. When is society going to realize that a woman can have a wonderful life and do many good things for others, with or without children?
In relation to the Brooke story (well at least she could afford the meds; many women can’t…) – a woman in Colorado..I can’t remember how long ago…may 5 to 7 years…had post partum depression so badly that she couldn’t take it anymore one afternoon and killed both of her very young kids. I think she drowned them in the bathtub. I remember during her hearing, she remarked that her husband didn’t help her with the kids; was very unsupportive. Gotta love all those guys who want to make the damn babies but never want to touch a dirty diaper once the kid is born.
You’re completely missing the point. Post Partum Depression is not suddenly realising that you wished you had an abortion. It’s not about realising that a child is not what you thought it was going to be regarding “completing” your self or being the cherry on top of your life. PPD has absolutely nothing to do with being “nothing unless you’re somebody’s mother.”
I’m sure the irony hit Ms. Shield’s many times that she “hated” the child that she wanted so badly. Every mother, myself included, who suffered/suffers from PPD is awash with the simultaneous and overwhelming loathing and love for their child. PPD goes far beyond being “ready” for being a parent. Even the most “ready” and wanted pregnancy can lead to PPD.
Your editorial comes across as callous and ignorant. PPD is probably exacerbated by the “mommy myth” and women who do suffer often suffer in silence for fear of being considered not “normal” or “bad mothers.” That is the problem. If this was your thesis, you did a poor job stating it.
And it is Ms. Shield’s CHOICE to use IVF and have another child. And to say that PPD is a “sign” not to have any more children smacks of belligerent reproductive control that I would hope all Pro-Choice folk would fight against.
jillian, i think you said it very well. PPD is a medical condition caused by hormonal/chemical imbalances. and the choice to HAVE a baby, despite physical problems, is also a woman`s choice, that we pro-choicers should respect and support, even if we personally wouldn`t make the same choice ourselves.
brooke shields is another story entirely… is she truly reaching out in the hope that her story will help others, or exploiting her personal problems for fame and financial gain like so many other celebrities before her? cynics would say, the latter….
Jillian, I am well aware that PPD is a chemical imbalance. However, you must admit that women who say publicly that they are not interested in having children are looked at somewhat suspiciously. This is not a place to be sensitive. If I knew that having a child had a high possibility of throwing my hormones so out of whack that I would harbor thoughts of killing the child–and I don’t speak of a first pregnancy, but subsequent pregnancies–then why would I subject a child to that? PPD is rarely only a one-time occurence.
And Brooke’s timing of the book is somewhat suspect, since no one’s exactly banging down her door offering her roles.
I think most people have the pro-choice thing wrong. Many of us disagree with the reproductive choices that other women make, but we differ from pro-lifers in that we are NOT trying to change the laws to reflect the choices we believe to be “correct”. We leave reproductive choices up to each individual woman, as they should be.
And Brooke’s timing of the book is somewhat suspect, since no one’s exactly banging down her door offering her roles.
newsflash – the book also coinsides with the birth child and subsequent PPD.
yes, her exact thought process was “things have been kinda slow. i think im going to have a kid, want to kill her and write a book about it!”
Jillian says: “And to say that PPD is a “sign” not to have any more children smacks of belligerent reproductive control that I would hope all Pro-Choice folk would fight against.”
Newsflash: I’ve never heard of pro-choicers promoting belligerent reproductive control. Prochoicers promote the freedom for a woman to choose when she is going to reproduce and also to have control over what’s going on in her own body.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, PPD caused the murder of a baby and a toddler in a bathtub in Colorado. This has also happened elsewhere in this country; I don’t know the statistics but I’m going to try and find out. Any person diagnosed with serious PPD and who has a fair amount of intelligence and heart would think very seriously about having another child and subjecting that child to the terrors of serious PPD.
What Brooke had and what’s being discussed is actually classified as postpartum psychosis. According to my maternal-child nursing textbook, pp depression develops in 8%-20% of postpartal moms, while pp psychosis (an emergency!) has an incidence of 0.14%-0.26%. Pp depression is characterized by extreme melancholy leading to suicidal ideation, while pp psychosis is characterized by delusions or hallucinations that support either or both suicide or infanticide.
did anyone think about what her daughter is going to think, when she actually sees her mom going through that with another baby?
I haven`t read Brooke`s book, or any articles about it — I just generally dislike celebrity tell-all stories and I doubt I will read it. If I were in her place, and had a such a violent (and, as ruthied pointed out, relatively rare in its extremity) case of PPD (or PPP), I might think twice about whether or not I would want to subject myself and my family to another pregnancy, instead of looking into other options like adoption — but that`s ultimately a matter for Brooke and her family to decide. If she does it, one can only hope for her sake and her babies` sake that her husband and other loved ones will see to it that she stays on her meds.
I think (correct me if I`m wrong) that webmaster`s point is that the media response to Brooke`s story shows that our society/popular culture exalts women who strive to be mothers at any cost, financial or emotional or physiscal, and that this makes it harder for women who choose not to have children, for whatever reason. Where are all the stories lauding women who make the decision NOT to be mothers, besides this Web site?
My husband and I didn`t want kids right away, and I really got tired of well-meaning but intrusive people asking if we were having “problems,” that something must be wrong with us if we weren`t reproducing, and then when I told them we were waiting, one old bitty actually told me we were being “selfish.”
The other point that ruthied made, that “most people have the pro-choice thing wrong” — I don`t know about “most,” but I know some people who think “pro-choice” means “pro-abortion” all the time, and that EVERY unplanned pregnancy should end in abortion. I know a mother whose 15-year old daughter got pregnant and really wanted to have the baby and put it up for adoption, but the mother made her have an abortion “for her own good.” Obviously a sad situation –I can`t help wondering if I`m going to see that poor kid at a rally someday with an “I regret my abortion” sign….
It’s awful when any girl/woman is denied her reproductive choice. I was so lucky that my mom was completely supportive of whatever decision I made (I was 15 when I got pregnant). She made sure I knew my options – keeping, terminating, adopting – and left the decision entirely up to me. I knew if I kept, she would be raising the child, which just wasn’t fair to her or my other siblings. I would never give my flesh and blood to a stranger, and no one in my family was in the market for a baby. So that left termination. My mom told me afterward that she was glad I had chosen abortion rather than adoption, as it would have broken her heart to give away her grandchild – she says SHE would have adopted it.
Personally, I am pro-abortion, but it is not my place to impose my belief systems upon anyone else; therefore, I am pro-choice.
Yeah, I often ask myself, what if, just a few years from now, my own little daughter gets pregnant, and decides she DOESN`T want to have an abortion, and wants to put the baby up for adoption? Would I want to see my grandchild adopted by strangers? (My gut feeling says, NO!) But I really hope I would have the courage to respect her choice, whatever it would be. All I can do is teach her about biology and contraception and responsibility and respect, and hope that she does what`s best for her.
ruthied, thanks for the info on pp depression vs. pp psychosis. For pp depression, the 8% to 20% statistic is very high. Actually the pp psychosis stats (.14-.26%) is noteworthy as well. The higher end; 1/4 of 1%, is still significant. I also wonder about the difference between ppD and ppP and whether a number of these people exist on the boundary between the two. Oh well…it’s just really interesting and I’m going to find out more about it.
The others make good points about reproductive choice. That’s what it’s all about. Too bad there are so many parents out there who react so badly when they hear their teenage daughter is pregnant…condemning them…telling them they’re sinners and murderers. How gross. Their response should be based on love and caring; what’s the best thing for their daughter and not what is the best thing for some big church somewhere that’s ruled by people who know almost nothing about what it’s like to live the real world.
I think I am unusual here, as I think I am the only man posting, but please read on anyway.
My wife is pregnant with our third child. I saw the Oprah interview with Brook Shields (no, I’m not a regular viewer) ;). After our first child my wife was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. This happened in Houston (site of two major incidents where women murdered their families due to depression.) I do not know the intricacies between ppD and ppP, but I do know that I was worried for my son’s life while we lived in Houston. My wife received treatment and has been fine until recently (we have since moved to the Northeast). We had a little girl about a year and a half ago with no incidence.
We just found out that she is pregnant again (I just recently lost my job and it looks like we will have to move for a new job). So, there are a lot of stresses right now and we are considering abortion due to the increased pressures that are being imposed due to the current circumstances. The thought is that she will not be able to handle the pregnancy mentally. The fear is for our other two children and for my wife.
The point is, there is no magic formula that you can go by. Money cannot guarantee that you will be able to handle parenthood. The stars have the ability to have others care for their children, but even they have to face the reality at some point. I think it’s good that Brook can go onto a popular show to talk about a subject that touches so many women (people). This is a subject that needs to be considered in any pregnancy, “Can you handle the emotional aspects of the pregnancy and post-pregnancy?”
Thanks for the site, and thanks for the Blog. What an important issue!!!
As for Paris Hilton…….That’s a whole other issue. –S ;)
OK, so this isn’t exactly on topic, but…
This entry has given me another reason to dislike IVF & other infertility procedures. I already felt they were unneccesary- especially when there are so many orphans already in the world- but I hadn’t thought about the connection between women getting IVF, etc, and this culture’s pressure on every female to pop out a kid in order to be ‘normal’. I guess I never thought beyond how stupid it is to force your body into carrying a baby because you can’t handle adoping a child that is not biologically yours.
Interesting.
sk,
Just wanted to say good luck with the very important decision that you and your wife have to make. I am impressed to see people who are thinking clearly, with common sense, dignity, and compassion. I think mental/emotional health is extremely important when it comes to making decisions about a pregnancy. No matter what you guys utimately choose it will be the best decision you can possibly make for all involved. Best wish and I hope the job hunt goes well :-)
Do you think your on a power trip killing babies, you coward?
Um … You mean “you’re,” not “your,” right?
/grammar Nazi
Never killed babies, never will. try and construct an argument will you?
Um…..Why not correct the spelling and grammar of the other comments too, such as:
skittles123: physical is not spelt physiscal
Moira : “never will. try and construct” Try, should have a capital letter!
Skate17: ultimately is not spelt: utimately
Ruth: Adopting is not spelt: adoping
Jillian: coincides is not spelt: coinsides
You’re Pathetic!
And you fulfilment is not spelt: fulfillment.
You hypercritical Fool!
Again, it’s “hypocritical”, not “hypercritical.” Jeez, you can’t even come up with different arguments for each of your entries? How do you expect anyone to take you seriously, dude? Read Naaman’s blog; there’s someone who writes stuff that’s occasionally worth reading. Study and learn, my little British friend.
Ah your lack of English amazes me, check again!
Nope Ged it’s spelled HYPOCRITICAL. Now stop trying to cover up for the fact that you’re incapable of constructing an argument, it’s not fooling anybody.
LOL.
Awww, Ged, did the big meanie webmaster hurt your widdle feewings by correcting your atrocious spelling and grammar?
Oh noes! Somebody call the WAAAAAAAHMBULANCE!
“but I hadn’t thought about the connection between women getting IVF, etc, and this culture’s pressure on every female to pop out a kid in order to be ‘normal’.”
Wow. What ignorance. Do you think that women would go to such incredible lengths and at huge expense out of “peer” pressure? Did it ever occur to you that women, old or young, want very much to have children and for whatever reason, cannot and are simply availing themselves of modern medicine to achieve their dreams?
I can probably guess that for the majority of women going through infertility treatment that their desire to have a baby has little to do with what the rest of the world thinks. In fact, the pressure for modern (western cultures) women to NOT have babies and pursue careers is probably far greater than the pressure to have kids. In fact, it’s to the point that there are now compaigns encouraging women to have kids when they can rather than wait. Birth rates are down in some countries that it is going ot be a problem for those countries to support the larger aging populations.
I have to disagree with you, Amy. As a woman in her late thirties who has stated often that she is childfree by choice, I am still told on a regular basis that I’ll change my mind, that it’s not “normal” not to want to have a child, that I’m letting my husband down (never mind that he already has a child by a previous marriage and got a vasectomy four years ago), that there’ll be no one to take care of me when I’m old, etc., etc., etc. The true pressure on women is to “have it all”–the successful career AND the baby. So, yeah–peer pressure, and jealousy, and fear that they’re not “normal.” I address this issue in other posts so you’ll get a clearer view.